fight/

I had a fight with my mom today. we take turns walking our neighbours dog and apparently this morning she came home from her bfs and asked me to walk the dog while i was half asleep and i guess in my sleep i said yes. so when i slept in today and didnt do it she freaked out on me. sometimes she just gets under my skin because she will pick fights with me about stupid things like that even when I make mistakes and than she will just unload on me about everything else she doesnt like about me and what I do, calling me names and blah blah blah. I tell her to talk to me when shes calmed down and that what she is doing right now is not effective but she doesnt care. I mean most of the time my mom is nice sometimes way too nice,, lavishing me with compliments and doing things for me but when she gets mad she gets really nasty  and instantly regrets doing anything nice for me. I feel guilty sometimes but I know that its really her choice what she does or doesnt do as well.

Lately I have been just feeling this over whelming at times feeling of guilt and unworthiness. I hardly ever really allow myself to feel sadness or anything because I just feel guilty for feeling that way. I tell myself others have it worse and question why I have the things I do. I sometimes dont even think I deserve anything good with the way I am living my life,drinking.doing drugs,sleeping around. My life revolves around right now trying not to let myself be alone for long because I am scared everything will come crashing in on me but once again I am not ready to change and I wish I was. I have to keep reminding myself even though I may do unhealthy things it does not make me a bad person by any means.

Last night I was sexually assaulted a bit but its like I am used to it now and try not to make a big deal out of it anymore. It cant hurt me anymore I have already been quite broken by it all. As women most of us grow up and by the time we are 12 thats when the sexual harassment starts. It hardens you a bit. It could of been worse I guess.