er

so the other night I went to the er because I was having a panic attack. I hate those things. i was embarassed in front of my roomates to have one because i so desperately want to maintain control of everything and for the ambulance to come and get me and take me to the hospital sucked.

this is my 2nd panic attack in two months. this time though the hospital actually did something for me. whereas usually they just want to send you home, I just tell them you will see me back here if you dont try to help me. obviously something is wrong even if it isnt a medical emergency in terms of physical. so i am happy they got me a case worker to help me adjust to things after moving. its difficult a culture shock for me really, the area is very multicultural and mostly black. its triggering for me because my attackers were black and i have to keep on telling me that the people i see are not them.and not him. over and over. i wonder when i will get over my phobia of black guys. i mean it feels so silly and its kind of shameful to me because i dont want to be seen as being racist or weird in public. but its just the way it is. my body is just responding to a threat as if there was one. its not a conscious decision. if it was a conscious decision than i wouldnt be so afraid. i guess i need to keep telling myself that too. that helps me feel better repeating that really. takes the shame out of it takes the sting and the embarassment its just science and fact really. nothing more.

i am feeling a bit overwhelmed with things but otherwise quite calm. i dont know whether i am calm because i am numbing myself and trying really hard to stay calm and rational or whether i just am calm. i think a bit of both. i am relieved that i am getting a lot more help with things. i really need the support right now. its lonely and fusterating going at it alone. just the fact that i can speak the words out loud and have someone who can objectively help me without being so emotionally involved and throwing in their own personal biases and opinions and beliefs about how ones life should be lived or how possible they think things will be for me. in particular i think of emily when i think of this because she just has such strong opinons and beliefs ingrained into her and its so fusterating to be around her sometimes. i mean after i took my band aid of my arm last night in the bath i was shocked at how bruised my arm was. never in getting blood taken had i ever had bruising that bad. i wanted to show rolo and emily and i already anticipated emilys reaction but i wanted to test it out. sure enough when i show her my arm she studies it than goes oh thats not that bad the same thing happens to my arm when i give blood whereas rolo was just as shocked as i was. it bothers me. i mean i cant tell her shes lying about what she thinks but i mean if this wasnt an isolated incident i wouldnt be so mad but its constant at times. constant nit picking of responses. another one would have to be, when i asked if the water was running because i was going to take a bath and she goes you washed the dishes didnt you? a simple yes or no answer would suffice really. smart ass answers all the time are just fucking annoying and exhausting to hear. it must be exhausting to think of them and spew them out all the time. its like carefully thought out of something. maybe she has a note book full of come backs to harmless questions and statements i dont know. rolo doesnt seem to mind or care. i dont know maybe she does and just doesnt respond the way i do. am i too sensitive or is she just too critical. i almost think that she is just too critical all the time since michelle and sara seem to agree with me about how moody and judgemental she can be. is it going to be impossible to live with her. i mean i am really healing and making a healthier life for myself is she going to hinder it. of course i can choose not to let it affect me as best as i can but i mean i live with her and am not in a strong place completely emotionally and finacially. so something might give. i want to see it positively but its hard at times with the zingers she throws out. its a sarcasm and under the radar way really to maybe boost herself up or something she does seem to have low self esteem maybe its her way to make herself feel better about things and it bothers her that i dont respond the way she wants me to which is to back down or agree i challenge her and i dont co operate in her mind playing.

anyways. enough about her for now. i need to focus on me. i am thinking to do a seperate entry for my speech i have comming up soon. i am thinking about doing a pretty much whole new speech. with a good beginning. but i just need to think back to some times i was in the er. so i need to refresh my memory about things.