emotional incest

 I remeber a time when I was about maybe 6 years old or so. I took all the stuffed animals I had from my room and put each one on every stair in my house. I than continued to move each stuffed animal down a stair while moving the next one to the next stair until all of them were at the bottom. I remember my mom seeing this and she hysterically started crying and yelling at me about how over whelming I was and how much of a mess I was making. For some reason that incident stayed in my mind for a long time. I think it was the first time in my life where I started to believe I was responsible for my moms feelings and actions no matter if they were well intentioned,a mistake, good or bad. It was the first time in my life when I cemented it in my head that I was responsible for everyones emotions at any given time and that if they hit hit me or hurt me or freaked out on me it was always my fault and I needed to apologize no matter what to keep the peace. 

I will never forget that. I will always remeber the thoughts I had in my head that day. I must of done something really wrong to make mommy so upset. Its my fault she is so upset. But I also remeber being stunned by her reaction and shocked. I stood there frozen looking up at her with wide eyes. I couldnt believe that she was so upset but from that moment on I believed I had the power to make people that mad and upset. 

that it was my fault.