drs an idiot

 so i guess i had high hopes that my dr. would be educated on mental health since last time she seemed to understand. but she definately didnt. i almost laughed in her face when she is like have you seen girl interupted? like the pop culture reference is supposed to make it all clear. she didnt even know what dbt is so obviously i need a better seperate doc for mental health issues. well she has borderline personality disorder. than proceeds to tell me bdp is not a mental illness and that its part of my personality and pretty much that my depression is part of my personality as well. if i didnt know any better i would have felt like this lady had just given me a death sentence. nobody wants to be told that being unhappy and being impulsive and all lthat is basically how you are. by telling me that my struggles and mental illness are part of my personality she is basically telling me that it cannot be changed, or any work at changing it will feel unnatural. blah. she wrote me out a perscription for anti depressants and i have yet to fill them out. i am not keen on drugs but i am so desperately unhappy that I will try anything that may help make a difference.

i just feel like its taking a long time to make any significant changes in my life really. not that i know what i want those changes to be but it fucking sucks it always comes down to this. sitting at home doing shit all with my life because i have no idea what i wanna do and my thoughts and depression and anxiety are paralyzing me from being able to make any kind of important decision. plus hardly any help and guidance of fucking friends. i dont know why but right now i am very fuckking angry.

smoke break.