Destiny

I am listening to the song Destiny by Mary J Blige. Such a good song. Perfect soundtrack of my life right now.

I feel shitty. I just got my period. I am anxious and sad and negative once again waking up in the morning feeling a sense of dread. it didnt help that i had a dream about being in a field and getting a call from my mother in the dream about something weird going on and to call her back or something. was kind of a scary dream.

the other night Z came into my dream like I mentioned before and he texted me last night saying his usual wat up thing. its been a few weeks since i have hung up on him and sent him a text saying I am a different person now. I didnt say anything this time I just deleted his number. I have nothing to say. A part of me wants to say something but it just falls on deaf ears and I dont think its worth it. I am moving on with my life he helped fuck it up and if it wasnt for him in a lot of aspects I never would have met his fucked up cousin.

nothing but bad news. what could i possibly say to someone who dragged me down. who i drank with. i smoked with. who i engaged in degrading sex and was degraded on a regular basis. a guy who stole from me. who used me. who threatened me. all that shit stuff. the direction i am going is different than the one he is on. his way of life got emeshed with mine and i suddenly choose to put myself in the back seat instead of the drivers seat. no more.

ugh. they say depression is mind over matter. i do not believe that. i dont feel like i can master my depression and instantly cure myself from this dispair i am feeling immediately. all i do is act differently from it. avoid the shit that makes me more sad and depressed. not give into the feeling and wallow into it. i am comfortable with sadness so i would be easy to mope in it and if my depression was in its earlier stages i would probably want to wallow in it more.

panic and anxiety is the killer. it paralyzes me. it causes so much agony for me. because my thoughts often get fused and its harder to tell myself that its not a reality. its an endless loop of what ifsss.what ifss………..ugh dont like it.

i should eat something.