dearfamily

a victim impact statement i might need to send to my family.

 
You noticed I am not here. I am not there because I don’t want to. I cant be there right now. A few weeks ago I was beat up, almost killed and almost thrown off a balcony.  He threatened to kill me and said I need to watch my back everywhere I go because people are out there and they will get me and kill me. He also said not to go to the police because he would take care of them too. My life was threatened, my phone was smashed and he tried to take all my money. I escaped what happened thank god. I still am so greatful that God gave me another chance at life. When he was beating me and threw me to the ground I thought I would never see anyone ever again. I thought the next time you see me it would be in a morgue. I was almost willing to accept that I may die and never see any of you again.
But I fought him off and was able to fight with him over the lock of the door and run down the stairs to safety. Called the police and was treated for any injuries. I didn’t get any bad injuries and I was lucky.
They never found him and they closed my case , they didn’t bother to look for him and I wasn’t taken seriously. It hurts me that they did not take me seriously. They re traumatized me in that interrogation room, refused to let me leave. It was almost as awful as being confined in his apartment.
I am left with the aftermath. I live in fear right now. I do not go outside much and don’t wanna talk to anyone. I cannot pretend right now that I am alright because I am not. I am traumatized and my life will not be the same. I will not be the same for a long time. But I am strong and know that I will be okay. What may seem like wallowing in misery and ruminating and pushing people away right now is really just a way to protect and take care of myself. For a long time I did not do that, so now I am.
I cannot sleep at night, I stay up terrified he is going to come to the house and kill me. Terrified of the flashbacks that seem to come out of no where of his face. I shake and cry and my heart beats, I am scared for my life. Every noise I hear I jump and I get more and more scared. I put the coat rack in front of the door and the chain on the door and think and think about what I will or could possibly do if he came. It doesn’t even matter that he hasn’t came or contacted me, he put fear in me that night he threatened to break my nose and at first I laughed thinking he would never lay a hand on me and I was wrong. I cannot be that foolish again. I am not safe.
I don’t know how to be with people anymore or at least for right now. I am abrupt and distant and cold I am just so upset about it all and I need my space. I need to take care of myself right now and do the things that need to be done so I don’t feel so afraid and I can be productive in life again. I cannot just pretend it did not happen because it did and like it or not it has affected me deeply.
It is not personal, so please do not believe that I am doing this on purpose to hurt anyone. It is also not me being over emotional and dramatic. I know it may be hard to believe what happened to me and I understand that. I was the only one there that night. There was no camera in that room I can replay to show what happened. But it happened and it was horrifying and terrible.   Of the details I have already given that is all I am willing to share. It is difficult for me to re count what happened to me and I ask that you please respect my privacy while I deal with all that happened.-Angela