Damn

 I really shouldn’t be drinking so hard lately 

 
It’s making me into a sobbing mess. I guess I am still having a hard time adjusting to this new place away from O. Not having a stable job with money comming in Nd feeling scared Nd distrustful of the people in my building after a few bad incidents. Me and O finnally hashed things out. He was mad at me for something I said to him. But instead of telling me I was ignored for three days. He said he lost love for me after what I said. But I don’t know if that’s true. It does make me sad though if that happened it tears me up a bit but I  through with feeling so much guilt over things especially when I feel its people who are kind of trying to guilt trip me. 
 
he says he really does care about me he really does miss me but the messages are all mixed. The only thing I can think about right now to make it easier for me to handle him and the attachment I have to him is to take him for him. Take the relationship for what it is. It’s not a traditional relationship, we do "cheat" on eachother Nd both of us are pretty much fine with that.we at least tell eachother anyway. We don’t have Facebook linked to eachother we don’t always hear from eachother.(I’ve done the same to him). I am just hurting myself expecting and following other people’s relationship advice. I can’t expect a puzzle piece to fit that is from a different puzzle. 
 
Anyways pretty much tried to break up with him he made it hard to do so i couldn’t i was crying so hard. And he had to calm me down over the phone. Telling me to breathe that its    ok he’s there. He cares he wants to hold me In his arms. 
 
I told him I felt like when he ignored me for three days completely it reminded me of my father abandoning me. Last time I talked to my father he sent me am email saying he missed me and loved me Nd that.no matter what I waste about he was still there for me always. When I called him the last thing he did was scream at me and I hung up and texted him how he could scream Nd turn on me so quick his own flesh and blood. I haven’t heard from him since. I don’t want to but it hurt to have him say all these nice things and promises and than flip out on me and ignore my text messages. but I know its for the best my father is temperamental and dangerous Nd damaging to my self esteem. Calling me names like bitch and fat and shit like that. A part of me finds it so laughable that a grown man says that to his own daughter and a part of me feels terribly hurt and betrayed and disgusted. 
 
I realized that I am a fighter Nd my primary emotion when it comes to defending myself is anger and rage. It always has been but its so tiring and hurtful to be that way. The last friend I lost told me I am so angry all the time. But she also didn’t really help the situation either 
 
But it is scary to me how fast I can go to irritated to passionate to anger to rage at times And its so ugly. And it fucks things up and I do feel very ashamed I am hurting still like I said Bout what I said to O. It was unlike me Nd out of character to berate him like I did and say the things I did. I do feel like a searing pain when I think about it. But I have done what I can apologized without excuse because I truely didn’t mean it and said it out of anger and rage and he says he knows that 
 
<div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); “>But yeah I have some major abandonment issues and severe jealousy issues when it comes to O and other people who have big happy healthy fmilies or at least functional ones where people try to work things out because mine right now I am not talking to my siblings my cousins my uncle or aunt and my father there is some major communication and resentment and family secret shit going on and I feel like my parents have orgrastrated a rift among all of us by bad talking my siblings to me and bad mouthing eachother to me and my siblings calling us names making up lies or assumptions Just making us siblings hate and be jealous of eachother so the attention is off them. 
 
Anyways next entry will be a more present day entry