Changing the tapes

I was getting ready to go to my appointment today when I heard the familiar voice of my sister, critisizing me. I often hear her in my head, but dont really ever notice it much. She was telling me my hair looked stupid that way. My sister often insulted my hair all the time. Its refreshing to remeber where the insults and insecurities come from sometimes. I was able to ignore it a bit and make my hair look beautiful the way I wanted to make it. I pulled it back.

Than I was at the mall, the demons were screaming in my head all negative fearful shit. I felt really nervous and insecure but not half as nervous and insecure if I didnt know where they were comming from and believed them to be true. I started believing the good stuff the good rational voices and indulging in some egotistical voices too, they werent harming me or anyone else unlesss I acted on them by being rude to someone or something.

Than my case worker said to me, Have you always been this motivated? The answer was yes and no. There are periods in my life where I have given up, and spiralled down, but I always get back up and with a vengence. I do things most people would not consider and go to lengths other people will shun. I wish I could work with you longer term she said. Now there is a voice I want to keep in my head. The voice of acceptance and appreciation. That is something I will keep stock piled up when I am feeling low.

Another one I keep in my head when I am feeling scared is You look like you could take care of yourself. Told to me by this black thug type guy who recently had gotten sober. we were talking about recovery sort of. I mean he stilled smoked weed like a fiend instead of drinking and I wasnt drinking as much, just taking sips of rum. I told him I wanna get out of this life. He just looked at me I think he believed me and respected that. Now I never talked to this guy ever again and never will for the awful things he did to me later but his words will stick with me. and I will remeber him as someone who was honest with me about himself. he was living the thuggish life sort of hanging out with all the wrong people he liked me for the wrong reasons. i liked him for his honesty he told me he went to therapy he told me he quit drinking. sure he wasnt all there yet. neither was I. But he planted a seed in my head that it could be done. Although I do not plan on sticking around people who are still drinking and partying and all that. partly because I am scared and its uncomfortable to be around those people but also because I evolving into a different person now.

I will remeber Z for the things he said to me. About how I looked slouched all the time. I needed to stand up straight stick my tits out feel proud of who I was. so i mean it had a fucking piggish tone to it sort of but that stuck with me too. When I was with him I never felt proud of who I was. He was part of that reason at the time. Now I stand and sit tall and it doesnt feel unatural or uncomfortable it feels like how I should be all along.

i guess i am romantisizing these guys a bit but with the good was the bad. and i believe the good was natural to them. it felt genuine. but i dont wanna go back to him. I told Z once I felt bad for him. He was pacing around my apartment. He didnt want me to feel bad for him but for the first time in awhile when I said that I meant it and I saw him for what he was. a hustler.a nomad. in my eyes anyways. no family.just struggling to survive and selling drugs and acting charming to girls like me for a place to be and to feel less alone. of course i did the same thing. the loneliness got to me. i liked the warmth of him next to me. the second time i met him he put he told me he justed wanted to hold me. ugh. i hate this shit. i am not going back there now. i have to remeber why i dont talk to him no more. that he abandoned me with an escort that was completely high on drugs. raped her in front of me. and left me there. my name in his phone was freak not my real name. de humanizing me in a way. at the time i loved it. but now its like what the fuck? thats not really a good thing. its not a bad thing either though. just not in my values anymore i dont wanna be the sexual freak anymore. i wanna be me.smart intelligent,kind,fun.positive, caring, creative,vibrant me. not my clothes or my looks. ok my looks a little bit…haha but not completely defined by that.

quitting smoking is hard man. i am on day three and i havent smoked. i know that if i bought smokes right now it would prolly taste like shit and cost me money i dont really have. thats why i got gum in my mouth. but i am really grieving that you know. im grieving what it never was. a way to take away the pain, boredrom, isolation.anger,sadness, all that stuff.  a gum is better for now. ill try to believe the gum can do that until i can grasp onto what i really need to help with all these feelings. till i learn more coping skills without alcohol,drugs and all the junk in my life. i am not doing too bad.

i am thinking about going to the gym. i am being lazy and not going . making excuses but i will go. NOWWWW 🙂

ciaoz