catty girl

so last night was a bust. the girls group I am part of had this bonfire party thing and it was originally for this other girls bday but the girl wanted to do a joint thing with me for my bday too so it was supposed to be for mine but it ended up being all about her in the end. I felt kind of like a fool in the end. A fool for caring that it wasnt about me and a fool for actually thinking it would be about me. I felt very alone and isolated. I know I kind of do it to myself a bit but I mean it goes both ways. One girl that I was kind of closer to made a book for the other girls and they were passing it around to say happy bday and all that and I kind of casually said hey its my bday too whatd u get me? and shes like well what did you get ME for my bday? which was a few weeks ago and I didnt do shit I guess, fair enough. But its not like it would have cost her money to put my name on it too. Another girl that I had taken the time to get a card for and a present  for on her bday. ( I knew her better for about a year now) didnt get me shit either. She was nice to me initially than pretty much ignored me the rest of the night. Lighting up and having much more enthusisasm for the other girls there I could tell there was a noticiable difference. I guess this happens to me a lot I start thinking that my friendship with another girl is deeper than it is on their part and feel a bit burned…

I was getting a bit annoyed and upset so I decided to just leave unannounced. I heard one girl calling me but I just ignored it. I just felt embarassed and didnt want to make a big deal about leaving and acting all fake a phoney about the time I had when it wasnt really that great. Maybe it was rude I dont know but everytime I go to these girls group I end up by myself. The other girls seeming to connect more and I end up leaving unannounced because I just dont wanna deal with them like I have before all of a sudden giving a shit that I am leaving and being all nicey nice to me.

Plus the girls whose bday I was sharing it with her boyfriend was hitting on me and when I told him didnt he have a gf he said they had just broke up. i was really confused but didnt want to get into it with either one of them and start drama. than as i was leaving this other guy from the party followed me home trying to get me to come to his place or mine. ewww. and i said no and to go away eventually he did. but so awkward

Well one of the girls who made the book called me and said I was being rude and blah blah blah I tried to explain why I  left but it wasnt getting through to her and I just ended up feeling attacked so I hung up.  I know I am not good with big groups a lot of the time drama occurs and no one can agree on things. I get if they are worried about me leaving by myself so I always end up telling someone I got home safely but otherwise I just hate saying these phony good byes.

I am not good with big groups I guess. I dont try hard enough maybe to socialize I dont know. But I just didnt feel much connection to anyone there. I might as well have celebrated my bday with a bunch of strangers. They are doing a bar night tonight but I am not going. I feel like the healthy girls group has already formed a clique which maybe is quite natural in female nature I dont know. I may do some events later on with them but for now I need a break. esp from this one new member the girl who made the book shes always trying to confront me on something and I dont even know her that well. shes bad news. I invited some of my friends from high school to come but none came either so it kind of sucked…ugh friends suck I cannot ever really count on them to care much esp when its my bday. My family has been much better to me. blood really is thicker than water in this case. god bless that!

My brothers gf  is comming down today to have lunch with me which is nice I was kind of surprised because we dont hang out very often anymore. I thought maybe my mom told her that I didnt have a great time last night. I hope not I dont wanna be pitied..but anyways regardless should be nice. the weather is beautiful out.