cant be real with anyone

right now I feel I cant be real with anyone and it sucks. Its part fear part reality. There is no one who gets the shit I went through because I went through it alone. No one was there when that guy tried to kill me, or day after day I risked my life to be with a guy who didnt value me and harmed me in every possible leading me to such low self esteem at the moment. I used to be so much more confident and happy and excited about stuff. But this child abuse has a way of haunting you.

I am hyper vigilant most of the time still. I dont trust people and sometimes I think I am in a different world. Still protecting myself. Almost as if I am covering my face from being hit long after he stopped hitting me in the face. Hes gone, they are all gone now. I am safe, the cuts on my face are gone,stopped bleeding stopped throbbing, now I am just left with the mistrust. No longer do I live in a world where I can take someones word a face value and trust them. Not even a bit.

I hope eventually I will be able to do this gradually trust. I couldnt trust my father, I never knew when he was lying and why he was lying. I didnt get it. What did he have to prove or protect himself from.

I dont know, but it effected me. I cant trust men, I want to but I just am so scared of them. I dont get them. every guy in my life has been cold and distant. my dad told me once. I dont say I love you because people who tell their kids that they love you too much dont mean it. I never got that. that was probably the most meaningful thing my father ever said to me. I still dont know what he meant by that. I dont think my father is capable of loving at all. I dont think he loved me…thats why he never said it.

i havent talked to him in two months dont plan on it. i dont really miss him, just the person I wish he was. there were moments here and there that were nice but its just so tainted with lies and deception for the most part. I dont feel safe around him, hes like a stranger to me…i dont feel warmth around him or love or comfort. just indifference,fear,resentment,hurt and pain. he drained me of my self esteem and put me down. a really toxic person in my life. pretending to be helpful but doing more harm than good in my life. i dont think my father ever wanted kids. i think my mom pressured him to have kids. i think he was too scared of what he would do to them and what he eventually did do to us and me. scarred us and fucked us up when he was around. so thats why he stayed away a bit…my mom tried to protect me thats why she smothered me. but she never told me why. i cant get more into it its too painful right now