10/17/2011

 So its been a day since I was physically assaulted by him,AK. I went to get a new phone, the one which he smashed and than threw off the balcony. Didnt cost me too much. I got a few calls comming in. One from his cousin,Z who I am closer to, a text from last night from him at 6 am and a call later on from him. I should of said or replied to him but I did, and said I cannot talk to him anymore. He is close to his cousin and I have heard he has been violent towards a girl before too but just thought oh well he hasnt hit me…yet. So I guess being hit by his cousin just really impacted me and made me realize that is a real possibility that I could get hit by Z too. Its a matter of time I think…He called me a b!tch and said Fuck You, I guess that made it easier for me to cut off the contact knowing that hes saying those things to me. 

 
My bank called me to let me know about the suspicious activity going on in my account. (I gave AK my debit card to buy some stuff at the store downstairs and pin) He was trying to take all my money out of my account several times but thankfully my bank only let him take out 50 dollars before they blocked the account. That may have had something to do with my he hit me, not an excuse but a motive for him…That ticked me off but I am lucky I guess it was only 50. I thought before that he had taken all of my money out.grrrr
 
My face hurts more now than before and I just noticed a cut inside my mouth. The pain in my head isnt too bad which is good. 
 
Emotionally I am up and down, I am scared and get startled by people who look like him or someone who could be his friend. (He threatened to kill me and that I need to watch everywhere I go because he has friends that will kill me) I dont think he was really serious more to scare me and it did. 
 
I am getting some flashbacks from it all so I am trying to cope with that and come back to the present. 
 
I dont work till Wed, so I emailed my boss and just told him I am experiencing a family crisis and need the week off the cope. I hope that he doesnt get mad because I did take one day off two weeks ago for being legitimately sick though.
 
I dont know if I will hear back from the cops, they have my moms cell phone number so they call her I guess. I dont really feel like called the detective because she is unapproachable and mean and dont feel she will tell me anything good anyway. Last I heard he was wanted and they were searching for him to find out his side of the story and stuff….I guess he left the apartment after he beat me….
 
I am full of anxiety, sadness, hurt and fear. Hurt that there are people out there who do bad things to innocent people. Sad that I feel like I cannot trust anyone. Fearful of my safety and anxiety about the flashbacks and terror I felt that day. I thought I was going to die, in my mind I was prepared for the possibility that I may not make it out alive or badly hurt. But I fought hard to get away and was not ready to die..but that experience terrified me like nothing else. That was probably one of  the first times I thought I may not live.
 
I am mad too, at the detectives for treating me badly, judging me and accusing me of lying. Forcing me to continue to make a statement after feeling so unvalidated and uncomfortable to go on and tell the rest of the story. it felt like an interogation not making a statement. I basically distrust the police and their ability to keep me safe. just lost a lot of faith that the police care or want to help you in the end, or at least give you the benefit of the doubt or just basic respect.  
 
so much going on with me. so much to process and re evaluate…
 
NOTE: If you wanna judge and blame me and ask me why I didnt do this why I didnt do that, Please dont. I dont write here to be judged or given advice on what happens to me or the things I am going through. Please no advice.