I remember what I feel so guilty about – I’m so so sorry Medhia.

I just remembered what I really feel so sad and guilty about.

There was a moment when I thought you were struggling to pee. Instead of taking you to the vet then, I waited 24 hours.  In those hours you really struggled.  I witnessed how much mental anguish and pain those hours caused you.  For this, I am so sorry. I can’t even figure out how to apologize for that mistake.

I just broke out crying, and it came to me.  What a terrible decision that was, how much pain and suffering that caused you.  I should have taken you right then, at 3 a.m. to the emergency vet rather than wait until 9:45.

The truth is Medhia; we both knew, you were going to not come home with me.  I wanted as much time with you as possible.  I love you so much.  You are missed and loved.

While I’m sure you forgive me, the burden those two decisions caused me are tearing me apart inside.  To watch you fling yourself around in pain brought a level of pain I never thought I would feel.

Everything that happened after that, even us cuddling together for a few hours of sleep, feels tainted and like something wrong.  I knew it was time and I didn’t want to let you go.  I refused to accept you were as sick as you were.  I wanted to believe you would get better and we would have more time together.  I wanted more time, I still do.

The only solace is that I know you are doing something you love.  You can see and are not in any more pain.  You’re suffering is over, and for that, I am so happy for you.  If I could be proud of an animal, I’m proud of you and the way you handled your whole life.  You really were a great friend, and I feel like I let you down at the end.  I’m sorry.