12 hours ago you died, I really miss you

It’s been about 12 hours; 11:24 a.m., since you went to your eternal slumber. I hope that now you can see again, are fully healthy, and running free and living the life you deserve.
You were such a blessing to me others who came into our home. Even cat haters loved you.
While you were here, you were such a beautiful creature both inside and out.
I’m sure you would like to know that many of your friends/my friends have sent condolences and sadness that you are no longer physically here.
Even on Facebook, where I didn’t post anything about you being sick or going to sleep for the last time today. Somehow what happened has spread, and people really cared about you. It’s remarkable.
While it’s getting easier, every so often I get physically sick knowing you are gone and out of my life.
You are coming back home. I know this. It is not the same.
Believe it or not, even Tigger misses you.
I remember one of the things I wanted to mention in my previous posts.
After Medhia had fallen asleep, she looked like she was still breathing; I thought for sure she was going to wake up, lick me and meow and do all the sweet things she’s known for.
The sadness and hurt are still here. I miss you Medhia. I’m sorry. I love you.
I’m restless and lonely. You filled such a void in my life and made me so happy. It wasn’t just filling a void. It was a genuine love and connection on a deeper level.
I cry hoping that I repaid you for all the hard times you saw me through over the years. That in your final few hours, you felt loved and cherished.
You were special Medhia. What an understatement. You were love.
You almost never got angry or lashed out unless you were constantly provoked.
You brought comfort on miserable days, made me laugh.
The flash of your limpless body is still fresh in my mind. You looked peaceful on one side, and heartbreaking on the other.
As you drifted off, you growled slightly. That hurt, thinking that you were in pain however brief, or was that the same death rattle I heard just before my father dropped dead in front of me.
I can’t stop apologizing because I feel like I have let you down. All the things I could have done differently flood my memories thinking of all the different outcomes. They all lead to this moment give or take a couple of days/months.
Every time I go to the bathroom I miss you Medhia. You not being there to pet as I sit there, our nightly pets before bed as you wander around and lick the soap scum off the surround.
Each time I go to the bathroom, I look into my room to check up on you, and you’re not there. It’s sad. It’s disappointing. It’s hard to accept.
This will get easier; I know this. For now, I must grieve.
I’m not crying as much the last few hours. I’m not as upset when I talk about you. But Medhia, know that I love you and miss you more than I can express.
It feels wrong to say I’m glad that you’re now in a better place. I didn’t want you to do. It would have been wrong to let you suffer.
In my day of misery, I forgot to eat. That’s not good and explains a little why I’ve been so off. Not eating is messing with my blood sugar.
Plus, I’ve had three 710 ml bottles of Dr Pepper. That’s a lot of caffeine. It’s going to be a rough night to sleep.
I really need someone to talk with at late hours of the night.

MJG

“for I have sworn upon the altar of god eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man.” ~ Thomas Jefferson