Recent Entries

• The words I cannot find myself

  August 7, 2005

  "I doubt completely my ability to do anything well. It seems as though my mind has slowed down and burned out to the point of being virtually useless. [I am] haunt[ed]…with the total, the desperate hopelessness of it all…Others say, 'It's only temporary, it will pass, you will ...

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• Randoms…

  August 3, 2005

  *I detest gold cars.  However, I love silver ones - I desperately want KT's car! *Despite the fact that Max will never, ever buy me a Coach purse, if someone were to give one to me, I wouldn't refuse it  *The garden at work is in full bloom, with morning glories, sunflowers, pumpkins, a...

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• someday

  August 3, 2005

  Someday, I will leave And you Will stay Not because of You But because of Me Someday, Even this diamond Will lose its Shine And you Will take it In your Hand Because You will not Understand My failing Even now, As I smile, The light Fades  

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• Lemon cream pie

  July 17, 2005

  I recognize this feeling (unfortunately).  It's 80 degrees outside, and the exterior of my body reflects that temperature.  But the inside is chilled, freezing, draining.  Draining me of a natural high, a good feeling. AND IT'S SO RIDICULOUSLY, INSANELY STUPID. Why do I feel like t...

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• Peaches and Cream

  July 11, 2005

  You are Spiced up with something You've never quite revealed To me To this world It is The salt of the sea And sweet green grass That I see In your eyes Touch My face And watch It change To something Angelic You turn This soul From black To Sweet peaches And Cream

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• 7/12/05

  July 11, 2005

  I'm taking a mental health day. At 7:30 last night, I made sure the girls had enough food and water and grabbed my bag and came to my safe place - Max's house. Where everything is quiet and clean and comforting and I can cuddle up with Sammy dog if I want to. When I…

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• 7/7/05

  July 6, 2005

  I hate this tightness in my chest.  This pit in my stomach that grows when I see that happiness. Is it waiting for me somewhere?  Perhaps I just don't deserve it.

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• Emptying my head a bit

  July 5, 2005

  My baby girls are getting so big so quickly.  Max and I weighed them this weekend - Kiley is 2.5 pounds and Kiara is 2.  I looked at the picture I have from the day I first saw and held and saw them and the difference between then and now is incredible.  I can't wait…

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• 7/1/05

  June 30, 2005

  I'm in the shittiest state of sobriety - where you're teetering on the edge, after 3 beers and a lot of food, where one more beer won't push you over, but a strong shot will. And my sanity is slowly slipping away. I hate being in this place. I hate it! I want to go.

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