. woah .

 Holy crap, he did it! Tonight My Love said to me this: that all this time, he has been blaming me for the perceived lack of intimacy in our relationship. But today he realized that it wasn’t me. It was him. That he has created walls that have made it hard for me to connect with him. Holy crap! I have been trying to get this point across in very subtle ways for years. Subtle because even with my subtlety, he always immediately threw up defensive walls. Walls that were thrown up because he was not really SEEING the situation. Not really seeing the situation because of a lack of self-awareness (due to a lack of self-care) on his part. And now he gets it. He knows that HE is the one that will help him feel good about himself. That he should not depend on me to make him feel good about himself. Wow. And he’s not BS’ing in the least. He’s been crying off and on all day. 

Geez. He’s lucky I’m such a patient and logical person, otherwise I would have been gone a long time ago. But I had faith in him. I really did. He has a lot to figure out now. How to take better care of himself so that he can feel good about himself. 

I have always taken good care of myself. I take a vacation – alone – at least once a year. I get massages. I take yoga and dance. I perform. I was a hard core swinger for many years and LOVED it. I am still a non-monogamous person. My Love says that those hard-core swinger years did a lot to teach me to take care of myself. I had never thought about it like that, but he’s right. My ex and I would spend 4 to 6 nights a month at the local club, with hot tubs, a giant indoor swimming pool, bands, dancing, and the most amazing sexy friends, people of all kinds, that I never would have met in a million years otherwise. And sex was not a big deal. We all did it, all the time – with each other’s husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends, wives. We had lovely holidays together. Vacations. Birthday parties. And we were all so deliriously happy! 

So 95% of the random sex with my amazing friends has gone by the wayside temporarily, (mostly because My Love had NO experience in the swinger realm), but doing those other things that felt good stayed. Hot tubs. Independence. Prioritizing relaxation and feeling good. All that has kept me strong. Yes, these past few years in my relationship have been hard, but my self-care has kept me from going completely crazy. I have always known that *I* am the one ultimately responsible for my own happiness. Not my partner or partners. Which is why I have always prioritized my solo vacations and self-care. I am really looking forward to My Love finding his own ground in this regard. 

Yes.

Breathe, move forward, encourage, support, teach. 

Yes.

~kate