. observe .

So yesterday morning I got home from work and the door was unlocked. The Man I Love had borrowed my key and had said he would leave it in "our spot" so I could get in when I got home. I needed the key to put my scooter away in the garage, so I went in to find it in "the spot". It wasn’t there. So I went inside, (as I said, the door was unlocked), to find My Love sleeping on the couch.

Have I mentioned that I work nights? 12 hour shifts even. It was around 8 AM when this was happening.

I had a stressful night at work and was frustrated to find the key not in "the spot". I was also frustrated to find the door unlocked, but figured each had something to do with the other.

Turns out he had left the key at a friend’s house accidentally the night before.

He had his own key. A whole set of his own keys, in fact, that he recently misplaced. So he took my key and had another made. That one was cut wrong or something, anyway it didn’t work in the lock. He hasn’t yet either taken that one back or had another made. So this is why he had borrowed my key. The one key we have to our place left.

That is the one that he left at a friend’s house.

None of this really matters, it’s just background really. I can’t even remember then, if all this is true, when I left for work tonight, how did we lock the door? How did I get into the garage? I can’t even remember. The important part is this: I was frustrated, he was asleep. Frustrated questions, sleepy incongruent answers. He rolls over and shows me his back, not moving. Tears well and I clam up, wondering if I will go to bed by myself because that would be a first. I wander the apartment aimlessly for a bit. He says nothing.

Now I’m not mad at him. Just tired. He’s not mad at me either. Just sleepy. Eventually I lean over and ask if he’s going to come to bed. He says, "I didn’t know if you wanted me to."

"Of course I do… why would I not want you to come to bed?"

"I don’t know… snuggle me, stupid. I love you." He grabs my hand and pulls me to him.

Ice broken instantly. Snuggles, caresses, and love abound. He comes to bed and we sleep, curled in each other’s arms.

Now here comes the observation. When I am frustrated or upset, I mostly just feel hurt, and I have a tendency to clam up or shut down, or both. What I really want is just for The One I Love to come cuddle me, console me, love me. My ex knew exactly how I worked and what to do. He just went about his business and loved me until I was ready to talk. He knew it wasn’t necessarily personal.

The Man of My Dreams, however, is different. I realized that he does exactly the same thing I do. He clams up or shuts down, just wants to me to come snuggle him and tell him I love him. 

So there we both are, neither really mad at the other, but thinking maybe the other is, both feeling a little hurt and consequently drawn inward and away for protection. And all we really want is snuggles!

Yesterday morning was just a mirror into myself. It hit me like a bolt of lightening: he’s doing what I’m doing! Pure silliness, I tell you!

Neither of us are arguers. And neither of us have a temper. Everything was fine, I got the scooter in the garage, he went to pick up the key later and have another made. So what was the problem? There wasn’t one. That was the real observation: the mirror into myself and my pure silliness.

Snuggling with The Love of My Life is the absolute best feeling in the world.

~ kate