. magic .

"I love you," he says.

"I love you too, Baby," I say.   "Maybe too much,"    I think to myself.

Where is the balance? Does there have to be one? We love each other so deeply. He is a wanderer at heart, always has been a traveler of distant lands and explorer of every available experience. That’s another part of what I love about him. And it’s exactly why I was so cautious with my heart in the beginning. As my dear friend Robert once said to me,  during the dawning days of the relationship, "You know how you bag a traveler? You act like you don’t care if they leave." After the heartbreak I experienced with Adianna, I saw that coming right from the beginning. I warned myself against it. Followed Robert’s advice. And it worked. Damn good.

Did I let go of that warning? Did I forget to protect my heart? Possibly. Did I take him for granted? No, that I certainly didn’t do.  What is it with me? I want him to feel free to do as he pleases, in every context, but especially in the context of polyamory and non-monogamy. It is something I am well practiced in theoretically, it is really all I know how to do. It is how we identify. Why then is it so bittersweet? Now  that, after a couple of years of being so into each other… neither of us dating others… for the first time in a while, someone else has peeked into the picture.

Perhaps it is because he is so gracious and so beautiful, yes he is a gift. And as such, he attracts beauty. I want him to want me, and so do many others. That is his magic. And that is the difficulty. I want him to want me, only and forever, while we bring beautiful friends into our bed to share (frequently!). I don’t really want to date others individually. He wants to remain open to whatever comes down the path. I want him to do what he wants. To pin down a wanderer is to ask them to leave. It makes me happy to let him be, and tears me up inside at the same time.

So I love him intensely, and let him live on the breeze, my Wandering Love, my Adventurer, the Father of Our  Future Daughter, with tears streaming down my face. What else can I really do?

~kate