. boundaries .

My Love and I went camping the other day, just one night of car camping. Besides being a much-needed experience in the forest, it was a preparatory jaunt for  our upcoming campout with friends this weekend. We hadn’t really been camping in a while, and it felt so incredible to be out in the mountains, basking in the dappled sunshine, doing tai chi by the river, meditating by the river, making love by the river, the only ones around there for the whole afternoon…. ahhhhh… it was so nice. I am such a mountain girl, and I missed being up there. It will be nice to be with our friends this weekend, naked by the lake. 🙂

On the way to the campground, My Sweet Angel and I were talking about what we had learned from previous relationships. My Baby had learned not to take himself so seriously, he had learned things that he had needed to do for himself; and many other things over the years. I, too, of course, have learned many things over the years as well. One thing I have learned has spilled over into three relationships now, each time strengthening and gaining shape much as I continue to do. This thing is how not to lose myself so completely in someone that I forget who I am.

I tend to assimilate myself, somewhat, with the person I am deeply in love with. I start talking like them, using their mannerisms, dressing somewhat like them, and generally just losing myself. It’s not something I do intentionally, I think I am just emulating the things I admire or adore about a person and it become easier and easier to do that if you’re not paying attention. But since my divorce, it has really hit home how neccessary it is for me to set boundaries in my relationships. Not physical or emotional boundaries, but with more practical things, like retirement plans and personal moments.

My divorce has brought into sharp focus my need to have a more solid financial plan in place. My Love and I want to make a baby in a few years, and I want to feel secure in my ability to provide for her. I have things I want to do and goals I want to achieve for myself. I have a penchant for being alone. I really treasure my solitary moments and need to get as much of those in as possible, without feeling guilty about not asking My Love along; just knowing that I need that hour or so to myself and when I come back I will be more present and ready to engage My Baby on all levels!

And then I feel comfortable assimilating in the way that I do, copying My Baby’s mannerisms to feel closer to him in a way, being just as cutesy with him as he is with me. And even just being okay with letting him be however he’s going to be at any moment, without any judgement or blame, because I know his heart is gold and at any moment, he will do anything that I ask. In return, I expect those same things for myself. Which is part of what this diary is. I can feel comfortable letting these words sprout forth from my brain through my fingers and not fear what anyone, including My Baby, might think if they read them, or if he would be hurt on any level. I know I am harboring no ill will or keeping any secrets, if there’s something that needs to be shared, by all means I do.

I did give him access to my old diary, which basically chronicles the transformation of my life from 2002 to 2006. But this one is mine for now, this is my own private moment. And from the other side of this moment, I emerge radiant in a new one.

~kate