Hidden Memories

Often I’m plagued by memories that have influenced my life in a negative way.

Recently the memory of being raped as a teen has been in the forefront of my mind. This memory always gets triggered when I don’t get a lot of sleep. It usually signals the paranoia that is to follow until I get decent sleep again.

This memory is part of the reason why I can’t sleep at night. Silence scares me. I’m fine with the dark but the silence that night brings scares me. I’m always hyper vigilant when it comes to sounds at night.

Being active at night stops that intense fear of the silence. Being at work with a colleague also stops that fear.

But no one seems to understand why I’m nocturnal. Why it’s more beneficial for me to be nocturnal. I often feel so alone when I try to explain because I don’t know where to start or how to start.

Touching that memory hurts too much still. It’s one of the few things I haven’t worked on with my counsellor. I didn’t feel ready. I still don’t feel ready. Part of me feels I may never be ready.

This memory is also why I can’t tolerate hugs well. I always want a hug but also fear being hugged. It’s a painful feeling to both desperately want and don’t want something. The only person who seems to be able to get away with hugging me whenever they want is my sister.

We use to have a really bad relationship growing up. Mum is a narcissistic personality disorder so she always pitted us off against each other. Neither of us were the golden child.  That honour went to my younger cousin. She always got showered with praise and affection. My sis and I are closer now but she still doesn’t know my secrets, just like I don’t know hers.

I don’t have someone that I would call my “ride or die”. I have trouble trusting anyone with my whole story. In the past, it was either used against me or the person vanished from my life completely.

So, for now, I just have here to empty my thoughts.