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Bah. My life is in LIMBO. Ive spent months planning this romantic vacation for Thai and I to Scotland and now it might happen because I am a Kooshtard. I went to get my passport out of my passport-hiding-place and it wasnt there. It wasnt anywhere. Trust me I tore this place and my mom’s place apart. Places it could be:
-In Scooter’s car since he picked me up from the airport last time I used it
-at customs since there was a hooplah over tulip bulbs last time I flew.
-could have left it at Waldo’s since I went there last time I got home from vacation. Waldo has now moved so looking there isnt an option.
-Zippy could have spitefully stolen it from Waldo’s because she is insane and also hates me.
-Maybe it was in my car and was stolen when my car was broken into.
-It could be anywhere I already looked.
The only place it cant be is somewhere I didnt look because I repacked my entire apartment page by page yesterday and then reunpacked it and FOUND NOTHING.
Godchristdammit.
So now I have jumped through all the hoops, crossed all the Ts and had a lawyer state Im not lying to get my passport renewed in 3 days time. Horrifying catch:It all rides on Waldo.
Because I dont know anyone else’s name and address and phone number who has known me for over 2 years and is not living with me and is not a relative I had to put him on my fucking passport application. And the guy warned me: we’re calling these people almost for sure so dont use anyone who is on vacation. And I thought, fuck it Waldo doesnt do anything with his life, hes already been camping once this year. Ill be fiiiiine. Then Scooter tells me he should be home today or tomorrow from New FUCKING brunswick—where he is visiting the dyke who he is in love with who at last count wanted to fuck me. That hilarious fact used to at least amuse me. Now it is biting me in the ass. So I wait. I wait and I hope and I conuslt psychics and burn incense at my anscestors grave and I pray and I sacrifice birds, children, things with cloven hooves, what not. I also try to convince his older brother to tell the person on the phone hes Waldo.
He might do this because he wants me to bring him his favourite beverage back from Scotland:WHISKY
he might not because hes always been jealous of Waldo and because I havent spoken to anyone in months and he’ll prolly take it personally even though I actually have not spoken to anyone in months. If you dont live here and you dont owe me money I have not spoken to you since there was snow on the ground. Shitty but true.
So. I dont know what Ill do If my vacation has to be cancelled. Yesterday I was so upset I was nearly vomitting and I was thinking very dark thoughts indeed.
Today Im trying to practice newage visualization.
I see myself getting my passport
I see myself frantically chewing gum while my ears pop on the plane.
I see myself boning Thai really quietly in a bed in breakfast in the highlands.
Wish me luck kittens.