Top 5 Top 5s: A Gimicky catchup on my life

Generations of Sea monkeys have passed since I last wrote in my diary.  I am a scoundrel and a cad!

But now I have much to say.  Lets see if I can do it in a gimmicky way.  Using the magic of top 5 lists.

Top 5 shit ball things that happened since I last wrote:

5.  My car got broke into while I was at a party at Lucy and Linus’s new place.  The vent window was broken.  I didnt know it was called that before.  The fuckers stole a pair of broken sunglasses worth $10 pre-brokeness.  Items in my car not stolen: a pair of high heels, 2 whips, a riding crop, and a can of guinness.  So we can rule out Irish dominatrixes with size 9 feet.  HRMMMM.  The window cost $200 to fix.

4.  Thai’s car broke down the day we were supposed to get the cat from the vet

3.  I got ANOTHER flat tire

2.  I got really fucking ridiculously sick for a month.  This involved at its peak, hallucinations.  I actually saw Thai’s face peel off and reveal a demon underneath.  Due to my vast experience with hallucinagens I played it cool so as to not alarm Thai that he was infact demonesque. 

1.Thai’s cat got really sick.  It was a urinary blockage thing and I said he was sick for 3 days before Thai decided to do anything about it.  So it cost almost $2000 to heal him.  Thai has insurance but it maxes out at $800 apparently.  But you know, my baby is too sweet to put the cat down.  I’ll never tell him but I would have.  Thats a lot of money and we dont actually have it.

….did I mention that all happened the same week, in the exact worst order:  tire was flat, fixed it with my last dime,  window broke then cat got sick so it had to be driven to the vet in a car full of glass WHILST hallucinating from being sick, thai’s car broke down right before he had to pick the cat up from the vet and I was working so we had to spend another $150 to keep him there until we could pick him up….while sick still.  WEEE fun.

Top 5 biggest changes since I last wrote to you in here

5.  Lambchops and Elmo broke up.  This doesnt sound like a biggie but since then Elmo has been making an even bigger mess of his and Thai’s shared accomodations, Lambchop slept with Tellie (and Tellie told Elmo), and Elmo is dating someone whose not nearly through high skool yet.  Gross.  He’s a few years younger than me.  But for reals.  I hope hes practiced saying nobody puts baby in the corner.

4.Member Tris?  Member how he got his horrid cheating ex pregnant, or someone did and she’s blaming him?  Well he moved back to our area to be with that skank and now…because she made him move…(oh god this is so funny) he works with her friend that he fucked behind her back.  Nice.  So while whore-mouth is hugely pregnant with the bastard child of someone Tris is HARD at work with the hot vixen he fell in love with enough to almost not fuck every other girl he came acrossed.  So thats a developing story.

3.Scooter and I are no longer speaking.  For keeps.  After a couple years of good friendship where I was understanding about his laziness and whininess and egotism and he was understanding about me fucking pretty much everyone he knew….Im through understanding.  Heres what happened.  He didnt talk to me for a month, he needed a ride to the aforementioned Lucy and Linus affair, and I agreed.  Then he was sort of a cunt the whole way up.  If Thai thinks youre being a cunt, you’re being a major cunt.  So the next week Im trying to get him to buy a ticket to my burlesque show in July and hes saying he will….5 hours later a major concert is announced in my town (a town that seriously has no concerts EVER) and a bunch of shitty Faux-country bands, most of which havent done much of anything in years are playing.  Well Scooter is going to be the stage hand and slip one of the bands his Demo (of what?  He plays covers ina  bar and his band-which had 3 songs-1 good one broke up months ago).  So how lame and made for tv movie is that?  Ok scooter, I bet your big break comes when you hand the demo of your nonexistent band to a band that doesnt have a record label or studio.   Totally.  So also, to make matters funnier Thai’s band is playing the "indie stage" that day.  Dont you love it when hicktowns try and be hiptowns?  And theyre STILL going to play my burlesque show.  This of course just Stains the fuck out of the walmart carpet that is Scooter’s ego.  Hes always been jealous of Thai’s band because they practice and are good and have songs and are good.  HAHAHAHA.  And more so he is jealous of the band leader who also owns a indie club in a town where there are no clubs pretty well, and definetly no indie clubs.  So Scooter is going to have a swell day, Im sure, lugging his arch nemisis’s guitar around in the July heat while all his friends are home getting ready to look at a pair of titties he’ll never suck again.  Further kick in the pants.  The illusive miss Em is also performing.  Scooter’s last chance to see the rack of his unholy desires: SQUANDERED for a pipe dream.  A shitty pipe dream.  And come on, if you asked any of the "big" names playing this festival theyd tell you theyd rather see that pair of titties theyve been lusting after since high school than play my hometown…Actually they wouldnt say anything.  Scooter pointed out during our little squable that Im a band slut.  Fine I fuck musicians.  Obviously.  I fuck musicians, furnace repairmen, people’s girlfriends, exes.  Cool.  Way to point it out.  Then listen to me.  EVERY festival Ive ever been head-band-slut at has seen the important bands not talking to anyone else.  Not the other bands and certainly not the stage hands.  Leaving it to me, the noble band slut with the heart of pirate gold to steal their fucking beer.

2.Thai actually told off Elmo for being a dirty fucking lazy roommate.  And so did I.  Thai used his words, I used an open window and several items left lying around the house.  Welcome to me being a shitstorm of my own.  And I didnt throw the pizza Elmo and his little Lolita (lolita-ita?) were trying to have as a date-dinner out the window because Elmo is messy, but because when Elmo was told hes messy he told Thai to stop being a dick.  Dont mess with my man.  I will turf your dinner into the rain.  So as a result of this and many other episodes involving Elmo being a fuckstick-supreme, Thai is moving out.

1. and so am I.  Ive postponed (not given up) on the dream of the little brick bungaloo full of stripper poles and communists and decided to wait until I can afford a good one.  WITH EXTRA HIGH CEILLINGS for alllllllll your panty peeling needs.  Instead Im looking for an apartment of my own.  Gelfling was going to move in with me but refuses to smoke outside.  My compromise was she can smoke if she leans out the window and Ill look for a place with a good smoking area, maybe even a balcony.  Her compromise was she’ll TRY and only smoke in one room.  Except whe

n she has bubble baths with her bong.  So my return bargain was-find your own place.  Thai waffled, as he always waffles and finally it became such a rollercoaster that he was actually changing his mind from wanting to move in with me to not wanting to every few minutes.  And ladies and gentlemen of the jury, he was actually planning the things we’d need for our shared apartment one second and saying he was looking for a one bedroom in a totally different town from me the next.  So I cried.  Sorry I cant take the pressure of the waffle iron.  Im not a breakfast pastry.  So I put my foot down.  Hes getting his own place and when he’s ready to move in with me, he can wait until Im ready to give up my freedom.  Which if I get used to it, could take a few years.  I really rather enjoy my independence…..as long as theres someone with a bat, a hockey stick, or some other large sporting good  to come over at the drop of a dime if I hear a noise….WHEN I hear a noise.

SEXIEST things that have happened

5.Thai’s band wrote a knew song.  His bass line.  Good lord.  Boner-city.  I actually listen to it and booty call him.  Often.  Sometimes I make him put it on the stereo when we have sex.

4.  Bettie Page remake photo shoot FINALLY happened.  Em kind of let me down with her bettie page outfit.  She wore a camisole (WHAT?).  The thinnest girl on set wheres the most clothes?  WHY?  And shes bettie.  Lambchop did me proud.  She also beat the living hell out of me during the photos.  They both did.  My favourite one is of lambchop using me as an ottoman.  Hawt.  Ladies:  are you frustrated?  Angry?  Disappointed?  Agressive?  Did you just forget an earring during a booty call?  I know how it is and I feel for you.  Come over to mine and beat the hell out of me while we both wear vintage underthings.  You’ll leave feeling much better.

3.  Ok I got like mindfuckingly drunk for Em’s bday.  and I was wearing a short enough dress (we both were) that some highskool guys came up to us after the concert we were at and were like "are you wearing anything under that?" and Em goes "underwear" and tehy said Thankyou.  Sincerely.  Anyhow, Thai and I were in the soundbooth watching everyone have a drunken good time and he starts putting his hands up my skirt.  HAHAHA fooling around in the sound booth is excellent.  Now I know why most live shows sound like hell.

2.  This morning Thai had a coffee in his bed.  And after every sip he sucked on my body.  Juan Valdez, youre a slut.

1.I bought a pair of Guess Jeans.  Theyre high waisted and sailor style.  I was on my rag one day and Thai couldnt stop groping me.  So I let him titty fuck me and in the heat of the momment, still a gentleman he asks me where he can cum.  Not on the jeans I say.  Theyre fucking Guess, they cost more than my life.

Classy.

 

 BEST fun since I last wrote

5.  Planning a fake prom with the ladies.  Its just in the beginning works right now.  But it was my idea.  And its a slice already.  Thai and I have matching peach vintage outfits picked out already.

4. Seeing Thai’s band play a few times.  And getting to dance with him afterwards.

3.  HOUSE STUFF SHOPPING!  After a year and a half of frugality (actually a life time of it), I have a whole downpayment for a home saved and nothing to do with it….except buy that which will make my life comfier.  Im nesting motherfuckers.  Nesting bigger than an albatross with sextuplets.  I hit pier one pretty hard this week and spent $60 on shit that smells good (soap, incense, candles).  I also went thrifting and got chinese paper fans and a giant bag of thousands of those name tags people where on their mechanic or factory work shirts.  Theyre all blue and red and feature such names as Herm, Babe, Arty, and Donat.  Awesome.  I want to meet Donat and shake that mofos hand.

2.  Bartending at an art show for the gallery owner I work with.  Tellie helped and Thai and Em came along for the free booze.  We each made $200 and tips and made almost a $300 donation back to the gallery.  There were 16 artists including a giant 4 person bike that 2 drunk girls drove Thai and I around after the last beer was poured.  Very romantic.  On our way home Em and I bought some flat shoes at a 24 hour walmart (and let me tell you Em pissed drunk in a walmart is fanfuckingtastic.  Thai was trying to get her to buy these hideous pink old lady slippers with flowers on them.  I bargained her into a pair of black micro suede ballet flats with a bow).  Then we went to a trendy rich peoples bar and Tellie and I were just peeling bills.  HAHAHAHA.  It was swell.  Fruity martinis EVERYWHERE.  I drank at my best estimate 9 ounces of liquor in 15 minutes and walked Em home because she was in blackout mode.

1.  Em’s birthday.  Thai food. Dressing up, drinking, dancing, fucking, dancing more, and a tent party with ghost stories.  All without shoes on.

The meltiest meltdowns

5.  So many melt downs so little time.  Thai didnt talk to me because he’d rather watch lost.  Didnt even ask me how my day was.  And this was during the sickness.  He made up for it by bringing me lunch the next day and aparently talking to me during the broadcast of Lost this week.  Which is currently occuring.

4.  After being hallucination-inducingly sick for a month I see the fucking cat drinking out of the only mug at Thai’s I feel is clean enough to drink out of.  Why am I sick?  Is it cuz a creature who walks in its own shit is drinking out of my mug?  Could be.  I pack up all my things and tell Thai I wont be back.  He spends a week trying to clean the apartment and half succeeds, which is amazing since his roommate is spending this week constantly making a mess.  I come back.  Toothbrush and tampons still not back though.  So really, how committed am I to this premisis?

3. After the aforementioned night of bartending we got home at 2:30 and Elmo had left the house, previously cleanish, in shambles.  Someone had let the neighbour cat in and it was attacking our sick cat.  Apparently since 10pm.  Shit city.  Things went out the window including but not limited to a bag that was somehow singing queen. 

2. Date-Pizza out the window.  Lots of cursing.  Me telling Elmo I fucking hate him.

1.  One night for no reason except that life can be that way, the simple way that thai’s prickley facial hair brushed my cheek reminded me of my father.  For those of you who missed out on previous entries he used to molest me.  So I lost my shit.  We had driven up to our favourite makeout spot by the railroad, the place we first made out ever actually.  And we were in the back of his new station wagon and the poor guy thought he was getting somewhere.  But nope.  I lost my shit.  I was so upset and I didnt even

want to tell him why.  So finally I had to write it down on a peice of paper and get out of the car, stumbling and crying, and panicking while he read it.  And he just came and picked me up off the ground and held me.  And when I fell back down he sat with me.  And we watched the trains and he let me cry and finally, my gloriously wonderful man said "its not your fault".  How does he know exactly what to do?