The shape they’re in

My first official show with my new Burlesque troupe went fan-fucking-tastic.  We did a run friday and saturday night.  The first night we only had the room half full but the support was tremendous.  Oddly Waldo and Scotter showed up.  Scooter I can understand since I guilted him horribly for not attending my show last summer, but Waldo is so the awkwardest man alive so for him to go sit next to his exgirlfriend’s current boyfriend and watch her strip is a touch out of character.  Then again for all his shyness he loves sex.  Maybe his love of hot ladies pulled him through it all.  Now that its over it begins all over again.  Our next show is in July when I believe my old troupe is also doing a show and I will be in both, because I like to spread it around.  I have plenty of ideas for acts so Im not really sure what Ill do yet. 

In related news the Troupe Executive Board has made up a position for me.  Im the idea girl, because Im always coming up with ideas for acts, events, costumes, names, etc.  What this means is so awesome.  First of all it means that Im on the board and have more say in whats going on.  It means that if and when this thing takes off I will be paid as a board member, and until it takes off I’ll be comped 2 drinks per show  (I only ever drink 1 because I have to drive).  Secondly it means they like my ideas.  Im not just "that girl who thinks she has good ideas and doesnt".  And thirdly it means after 25 years I have finally found a group of women who dont make up reasons to not like me the second they meet me.  YEAH I have a literal troupe of femme gem friends!

I really do like them all to some degree.  There are a couple of girls who arent my favourites but they are otherwise harmless.  One is a lot like Zippy.  She says she’s a feminist but really what she means is shes read the literature and will hide behind it when it suits her so she doesnt have to take responsibility for any of her own opinions.  In the course of one evening she brought up how shes excited to be single so her boyfriend cant keep her from getting the tattoo she wants now.  And she told us how lucky we must all feel because we can eat whatever we want for a few weeks since the next show isnt until July.  Ahhh yes the seesaw dieting and submission to men’s ideals.  Popular lifestyle choices of feminists everywhere.  Not to mention that she brought up seeing "the people from the hospital" and "how she doesnt want to revisit that part of her life again". while I walked with her to the venue.  Dude if someone doesnt know you enough to want your phone number they probably dont want to discuss your stint in the psych ward.  You are fucking awkward.  Thank the gods she takes great photos or I might forget that shes just young and foolish and run screaming from her.  Perhaps we can work on her social oddities.

The other girl I dont really care for a great deal just talks about herself constantly as if its interesting.  She doesnt really need anyone else to get involved with the conversation either.  But otherwise she’s perfectly intelligent, enthusiastic, and talented so again its not really in the same category as people I dont like and therefore avoid….

….speaking of which I went shopping the other day in a completely different city in a mall I havent been to in years and ran into Em and the girls that are Thai’s band’s friends that I cant stand.  The ones that are so shallow and insecure they have to tell eachother theyre beautiful and shit over and over again and never really speak of anything else.  Well it was twice awkward because I was buying my lunch at the mall foodcourt when I ran into them and Em is going away for the summer to build schools is the Dominican so I had to eat with them.  It was the last day Id see her all summer.  I couldnt just lie and run away.  The bitches hugged me when we parted but thankfully they took my statement to heart when I told them the fact that they see me and pretend they want to hang out all the time but then never invite me anywhere with them or call me is really kind of pathetic.  Because they managed to not do this as they planned to borrow money from their parents to go to Toronto drinking that night.  Im so glad I have things in my life.  I truly feel sad for them.  I want to shake them.  Its like their development arrested when they were drunk and 15.  Theyre really pretty and probably even smart.  Theyre just too worried about what people might think to grab some balls and act like they have a handle on their shit. 

Its shit really, that thats how girls feel these days.  Im getting really over exposed to the perceptions people have of young women and confidence levels lately.  Its mind boggling.  An hour before I went on stage to perform my strip tease several members of the troupe (these are theatre majors and professional performers) were aghast that I would walk from the troupe leader’s flat to the venue-4 blocks away-in costume (which involed a red silk robe….I guess that was the problem peice anyways).  They all thought I was amazingly courageous to walk around a town I dont even know anyone in in a red robe.

Dudes Im about to show my tits to an audience.  I think i can show my robe to a few homeless guys.

People are chicken shit.  So many people are opressed into behaviour and dress and social customs.  Why?  The tshirt and jeans uniform isnt government issue.  Its not religious.  Why is it when someone steps just barely outside the box people get completely apeshit?  Nothing is going to happen if you rock that look you want to rock but are too afraid to rock—except some people who are too opressed to join you might stare or say something but they dont have the power to do anything at all.  There is no real serious consequence to wearing a tutu to the mall.  You’ll still return home with your provisions, and in good health.

and its apparently an excellent way to make people think your a goddamn hero.  So hey all you kids wanting to be fire fighters or join doctors without borders-why the fuck do you want to do something actually hard?  Just wear a really great vintage hat.  The world will be in awe.

In other news Im kind of glad Lucy and Linus have eachother.  Im kind of glad I wrote that letter and Im glad it apparently made them stop talking to me forever.  Why?  Dont I miss them?  Well in actuality they started smoking pot every day as teenagers and apparently this kept them from developing adult social skills because in response to my plea for Lucy to try being sober and in a relationship before she gets married I got a couple of facebook status updates on Lucy and Linus’ accounts dedicated to me.  And they werent even very intelligent ones either.  One called me an ignorant shit slinging monkey, to which Lucy replied "I know….FUCK" and the other quoted tool.  I have a deep sadness in me as a result.  I cannot figure out why.  Its not because I lost them.  I lost them when they started fucking each

other behind my back and I never oculd get them back no matter what.  Is it because no one but themselves came to their defense?  Is it because its pathetic to use facebook status updates to respond to a heart felt letter?  I dont really know.  But what Lucy doesnt seem to realize is I know her very well.  I know she will eventually have to respond to my letter properly.  Christ she wrote me a letter appologizing for betraying me 3 years after the fact.  Maybe thats it though.  Maybe Im bummed because the ball is in her court and she can let things hang in the air forever before dealling with them because shes always high or drunk.  But she eventually always deals with them.  They havent taken me off facebook though so I can do the whole stalking thing.  In which I can not only see her sassy little updates but I can see her weight gain continue because shes supressing so much about her parents divorce and about our ruined friendship (for new readers she was stick thin in high school but gained a persons worth of weight after betraying me and then her parents got divorced a few years later and she gained 100 pounds in 8 months).  I can watch and see when they get married, but probably not when they get divorced.  This is a woman who hid her parents divorce from people who had no relationship with her parents for over a year.  Shes not going to cope well with her own relationship’s demise.

I am making myself crazy thinking about it right now.  I just want to write her again.  I want to shake her and make her understand how dangerous it is for her to get married to someone who cheats on her.

I just hope a divorce is all she gets.  For a girl like Lucy and a guy like Linus this could mean STDs or Depression and Suicide.  This could result in a lot of shitty ways.

Im probably going to write her another letter right now.

I suck at self control.