The nurse who didn’t love me, failure.

In short, the drunk, horny email led to nothing but a few cybertronic gut laughs between parties involved.  Everythings fine and I have vowed not to drink alone near men I have previously found attractive anymore.

More important things are on the go now besides the drunken sillies.

Em had her summer boy toy (possibly we should call him after some sort of summer toy.  But theyre all really vulgar: super soaker, sprinkler, wet and wild.  Instead we shall call him Zoot after the muppet who plays sax.  Guess why) stay over and they had insane sex all night.  The fucked with such ferocity that I thought it was the rabbits.  Then it got louder.  Then it got vocal.  Not the rabbits.  I, of course, enjoy the sounds of people I like boning however it did get awkward when my dog started barking at the bumping and the banging.  Not awkward enough to keep them from doing it several times that night.  They were too tired to go to the farm sanctuary with us the next day to volunteer.  Just as well as it was closed.

Also in recent history I had a really frustrating dr.’s appointment.  It was with the same nurse practitioner as last year, which I did not know til I got there.  If you didnt read the entry about it she went spelunking in my vagina for almost 30 minutes trying to find my cervix.  She had to use 3 different speculums, finally using the virgin one (much to the credit of Kegel flexes suitable for the office???) and had success.  This has never happend before and I thought, maybe my body is changing.  But no.  Turns out the woman is a fuckstick.

I went in to change my birth control to something less annoying than the pill since whenever I go over seas I have to try desperately to wake up at 3am to take my pill or I feel like horse shit for taking it at the wrong time.  Also I occasionally put the packet somewhere funny and I turn into this beastly drug addict tearing apart my home and car and mother’s home trying to find my goddamn stash.  Thats always self-esteem boosting.  She told me the shot can cause osteoporosis and since Iam lactose intolerant and have the worst time ever getting enough calcium we decided it was a poor idea.  During the hunt for a new birth control she noticed I was at an inconclusive level in my last test for immunity to Mumps measles and rubella (hence forth refered to as MMR).  She told me I needed the shot so my baby wouldnt get sick while I was pregnant.

To quote Kyle of South Park fame’s Mom "WHATWHATWHAT".

Apparently she didnt mean the baby Im having now (which Im not, hence the birth control questions) she meant the baby I will have.  Because everyone, in this nurse’s realm has babies.  I calmly explained to her there will be no breeding.  I dont mass produce when I sew and my vagina sure as hell doesnt mass produce either.

She

Told

Me

I 

am

TOO

YOUNG

To 

Make 

That 

Decision

Last time I checked we’re arent in some goddamn dictator run fucked up country with weird religious overtones in the year 1405.  Its fucking Canada.  I can decide to have a womb so black and dark and desolate scientists fuck me to feel what its like next to a black hole.

And I can do that whatever the fuck age I want.

My time is now.  Spray me with baby repelant and throw me to the mens.

We actually had a mild back and forth about how I wasnt going to have kids and how I would like her to just please tell me why I might get the MMR shot for my own health and not why I might get the MMR shot for the health of something I would quickly and swiftly and freely abort.

I had to ask her 3 times for this information and she finally told me I might get a fever and a rash and theres a tiny chance of dying.  She had by this point told me Id get a fever from the shot anyways.  So I was I said I dont need it AGAIN.  Then she told me about how she didnt want kids and then had them and she loves them.  So you’re an idiot who had kids she didnt even want and you got lucky and could afford them.  Awesome.  Sorry I dont believe women are just vessels waiting to carry life whether they like it or not.  I know my mind.  Of course at this point I couldnt tell her the list of reasons why I dont want a damn baby

-dont like them

-family history of bipolarism and depression and obsessive disorders and anxiety disorders that would almost definetly get passed on

-I would love it if humans would stop populating the earth entirely since we suck so bad at it.

-Its how I live green

-There are billions of living things on this earth, including babies that no one is looking after, I could just look after one of those.

-family history of serious birth complications that I dont want to risk

-I sometimes think my bunnies are a pain in the ass

-i have no patience

-the smell of baby powder makes me throw up in my mouth

-umm who coined the term "let some gal in china get a fucked up vagina, Ill adopt a forest baby"…………..I was drunk and it was me.

(please note that I do not mean this as a racist comment.  I have nothing but sympathy for the people of China who have no good solutions to their government’s 1 baby only policy and their cultures preference for boys….ok everyone’s culture’s preference for boys.  And I really do want a forest baby.  It seems like the best possible way to help the Chinese with their population problem to me. Let other countries adopt the kids.  There we go.)

I think thats enough reasons for now.  But after she told me she had kids I didnt think launching into a speech about global responisiblity or tight vaginas was prudent.  After all last year this woman tortured my cervix for no reason.  Lets not spit in the eye of the cobra….thats about to look in my crotch.

So she left the room.  I just chilled.  I dont even remember thinking about where she went.  I was too annoyed that she was letting her personal opinions into her work.  I cant do that at the library or I’ll get fired.  She resurfaced a few minutes later and told me the doctor agreed with her (about children?  About my womb?  About my shot?  WHAT?  Be specific biatch)

Then she asked me if I was allergic to eggs.  Standard medical question.  Nope.

She handed me a peice of folded paper.  She’d already given me contraceptive literature and a sheet on foods with more calcium.  So I held on to it.  Then she stabbed me in the mother fucking arm with a needle.  OMIGOD IS IT AIDS?  The only time Ive ever heard of someone getting randomly stabbed with a needle is in the urban myth where the guy goes around giving people AIDS.

She vaccinated me without my motherfucking consent.  Then she scraped the shit out of my cervix.  Told me Id see s

ome bleeding and left me for 30 minutes while she tried to get the doctor to give me a prescription for the RING (a ring you pop in your crotch to prevent babies.  Babies who wont get rubella before I abort them now because IM VACCINATED….however if they are conceived in the next 3 months they may be aborted blind/deaf)

I bled all over myself because the bitch is a viking princess of vaginas.

I got home and the real horror began.  I read the sheet she gave me.  The vaccine I was unlawfully injected with can cause Meningitis.  Also she did not read me any but 1 of the qualifying questions (the one she read would be are you pregnant?) to see if I was in any condition to be getting the MMR vaccine.

The third was a weird little hydrogen bomb of its own.  You can get the vaccine if you are allergic to eggs.  Did this cunt even know what she was doing?  Was it that nurse from the book Choke?

So I contacted a vaccination rights service and they informed me of the law.  Apparently medical procedures that are coerced or not at all consented to are considered a form of battery in our fine nation.  I’ll be hooking up with a personal injury attorney laters.

Thai and I are doing a little happy fun time experiment.  Im off the pill as of last thursday and we’re just going to document my fight for the rights my dog has.  Im going to try and get whatever the human version of being spayed is.  I have very little information to go by since no one will talk to girls my age about not having babies.  I will get a court order if I have to. 

New birth control methods that dont cause diseases that are just as permanent as babies:

-the ever popular pull out (on not in.  Think about it)

-abortions

-finger crossing

-free condoms from the clinic.

Should be awesome.  I’ll keep you posted.  Im starting tot hink Im not even fertile as I never had a pregnancy as a dumb teenager who was too embarrassed to go to th gynocologist and get some damn meds.  The residual effect of the pill will probably last awhile anyways since I was on it for like 7 years. 

And thats whats happening in my neck of the woods.  Wait I should refer to vaginas one more time in this entry just for everyone who isnt afraid of the word.

Thats whats happening in my vagina of the woods.

you totally love me.