My life as an adult fairy tale star

Thai and I celebrated valentines day on friday.  I love valentines day.  i like making cheesey cards with puns and smutty jokes and giving them to friends with fistfulls of candy.  I like seeing people wear red with pink and not giving a damn.  Its a good time.  I like gratuitous sex.  ITS really fun.  But Ive never really had a super romantic valentines day.  I just dont seem to inspire such notions in men.  As a confidence building excercise I let Thai make all the plans.  He claimed he hadnt really planned anything because he was sure it wasnt good enough for me.  So I said nonsense, and told him i was sure he was capable of planning a good time.  I didnt work at all on Friday so i spent all day finishing up the gift I was making him and dressing up all pretty.  I love dressing up.  15 minutes before he was due to arrive I looked int he mirror and realized that he HAD seen me in the black cocktail dress i was wearing.  he had seen me in it at one of my own parties where I was dressed as betty page.  He had seen me flirt with Waldo in it.  And seen me emerge from my bedroom after being gone for an hour in it….sans wig.  So i whipped that sullied mother fucker off and found an old Betsy Johnson I had stood in the snow in my pajamas waiting to purchase at a 75% discount some years ago at this crazy little boutique in London.  And when i saw how much it cost even after the discount I had to buy it anyways because Id just nearly gotten frostbite and skipped class for this sale, I WAS NOT LEAVING EMPTY HANDED.  And he hadnt seen me in it.  So I was safe.  Why do I care about these things?  Perhaps ina  previous life I was an overly complicated southern belle.  Or a gay man in Manhattan.  No idea.  It certainly doesnt jive with the rest of my personality.

He arrived, looking effortlessly hot as always.  but of course he had put effort in it.  He had gone out thrifting the day before…and then *GASP* even to a mall and bought something from a rack in a clothing store that no one else had ever worn before.  How unlike us.  He smelled goddamn delicious.  His hair was freshly washed in the shampoo and conditioner I told him to buy (later I discovered his roommate also takes hair tips from his girlfriend.  What did these guys do before?…oh yeah they have moms who shopped for them before).  he was ladden with bags of groceries and…a gift!  Not only was he dressed to the nines and ready to cook for me, but he had a gift.  I immediatly began groping him of course.  He had sent me a message earlier to let me know how much he was looking forward to giving me a hot oil massage with the hot oil candle Em gave me for Christmas (during which time I was single and fucking all my friends and just didnt even know what to do with it…so I put it away for someone special like I neglected to do with my virginity umpteen years ago-but virginity is a useless, intangible invention of man where as hot oil is very tangible, gloriously useful, and probably straight out of the lesbian school of thought so i like it more).

So after he calmed me down he commenced the cooking.  Well he sort of calmed me down.  It took us a few hours to get dinner finished because we couldnt stop the high school making out.  We didnt burn anything though.  Shocking.  He made mushroom stuffed chicken, broccoli alfredo pasta, and bought wine in a BOTTLE from over a year ago!  Shit it was 5 year old wine.  Ive never had wine that old in my life!  Amazing.  And he got white not red.  Red gives me the worst headaches and makes the digestion problem I like to call my Alien Baby go insane.  I bloat to the size of the michiline tire mascot.  Its horrific. 

With the sexy music mix (oh you know architecture in helsinki, the moldy peaches, the pixies, and Rick’s band’s music which i only put on there so i could picture rick turning red with rage if he ever found out he’d become the background to my fornicating and not the foreground), we had a candle light dinner.  For dessert Thai produced some chocolate cookies which he stayed up late the night before making (during which I was online outlining to Waldo why and how he totally fucked up our relationship and that I would never touch his penis again, not even by accident during an earth quake if we were trapped in a phone booth together).  The cookies were sort of crispy not because they were burnt but because Thai used an actual teaspoon (not a tsp) to add ingredients.  it was cute.  Fortunately I still had some hagen daz Dulce de leche icecream left from the night we made pancakes and maple bacon (or pansnakes and meat candy).  Crispy cookies are perfect when smothered in over priced icecream.  I was nearly in tears with how perfect the night was going.  Im such a loser.

Then we started dancing.  We danced to the theme song from the wonder years, some regina spektor (you know hes a keeper when Us comes on and he blurts out I LOVE THIS SONG!), and of course some velvet underground.  We did the dishes together so my mom wouldnt have the worst valentines day of her life.  Then FINALLY we exchanged gifts.  I gave him a hand sewn knitting case.  Originally he was learning to knit as a way to spend time with me when i was dating Rummy.  But he’s hooked now.  Its nice to date someone whose addicted to something that brings us closer together instead of tearing us into little painful bits.  I made it out of some vintage fabrics I had laying around and a ninja turtles bed sheet.  It matches his first car….which we had sex in a lot before it died.  So it was manly, you know.  A manly knitting case.  I was sort of horrified when he opened it and I realized how much it looks like a big purse.  But its nice.  I filled it with items from my knitting stash that i still have to teach him to use (stitch holders that are really old hair clips from my weird raver-esque phase for example).  Im trying not to spend any money on gifts this year and I think i can work it and still be as generous as ever.  Then came my gift.  He picked out 3 broaches from a thrift store for me AND panties.  I havent received jewelry from a man since high skool unless you count my grandpa’s best friend that routinely gives me jewelry Im positive he’s syphoning out of his wife’s collections of awesomely gawdy Avon circa 1960s collection.  But thats just….a weird thing that happens.  It doesnt count.  And no man has ever given me lingerie.  I dont know why.  I obviously love it.  Rummy used to call me Panties.  Why not give me panties then?  Thai did.  He gave me red ones that are like the magic kind that dont give you panty lines.  I explained this with delight and he picked them up and rubbed his face in them and said "I like how soft they are".  I like that he wants to rub his face in them….I do hope he didnt do that in the store.  And then a pair of bright peach ones (Im really disgusting in that that orangey pink peach colour is my favourite thing on the planet.  I made a good times list with Em and a peach

dress is tops when it comes to a good time).  Theyre lacey and sparkley and cut to make my ass look even more incredible than it actually is (and I am after all Val Nice Ass of val nice ass and nice rack wake up services).  So I was thrilled.  No thongs.  Right answer, Thai.  Right answer.  You win a prize….

For the prize we headed to his house.  We weren’t sure if his friends would be back from the bar yet as it was nearly 11, and bars around ere are pretty fucking boring, but it was get walked in on having sex by Thais roommate who already laid on top of us while we were naked before OR get walked in on by my mom and have the most traumatic momment of life possible.  So obviously, we rolled the dice and went to his.  Upon arriving A couple of his bandmates were on the porch dancing.  Shit SHIT SHITSHIT shitshitshit Shit shit.  Sigh well no evening can be totally perfect.  I got out and gave them hugs and masked my disappointment.  And then miracle of miracles, they said "we’re just leaving now".  Its widely known and respected that Thai and I never get the house to ourselves and it makes us fucking nuts.  I think he must have said something or the guys are intuitive (*smirk* suuure) because they do put some effort into running away when we try and have alone time….usually.  So Im eternally grateful that they were leaving.  On the way out the door, Thai’s roommate’s very drunk girlfriend came up to me "arent you coming?"  "nope.  No I am not" and she gave me our secret handshake which is a couple of lude hand signals that very graphically depict us having sex with our boyfriends with only a wall between us.  And then she laughed and ran out the door.  I love that woman.

Thai put away his remaining groceries and I went and put on some new panties, a transparent negligie and a robe which I did not tie up.  and we ran around the house, jumped on the couch and danced to the Animal Collective a little while.  It was pure unadulterated madness.  I finished my fashion show in the other panties he gave me and the scarf he knit.  And that, I suppose was more than he could handle because he tackled me to the bed….A few rounds later, my shy sweet man told me to meet him in the kitchen because no one was home yet and if they caught us fucking around by the fridge OH WELL.  so I wrapped myself in a batman sheet and off I went.  Of course his kitchen is disgusting.  Too many men in one apartment.  Feminism has done nothing for these guys.  Theres no way their women will ever clean their damn kitchen.  Nor will we fuck them in their damn dirty kitchens.  So we made out a little, got the thrill of being kitchen-naked out and went back to the bedroom for a hot oil massage….which involved ransacking the house for a lighter, finding one, and having it almost not work at all.  Very frightening.  The next day: "Tellie your lighter doesnt work (im just going to name all Thais friends after puppets)" "how do you know?" "Mad laughter.  "Oh I know.  I was DEPENDING ON IT"  he sounded insane.  But whatever.  I was treated to the massage first, and then I reciprocated.  We used way too much, but it smelled great and felt great and being completely slippery and naked was too much fun.  Then right when we were going to go to the shower to clean up and of course, have more sex, everyone came home.  Thai is painfully shy and modest.  So I had to coach him on what to do because there was no way we were going to sleep like that.  I told him to go out like it was no big deal, talk a second and walk to the shower.  No big deal.  So we did.  Elmo (Thai’s Roommate) was drunk as hell and dancing madly, Elmo’s girlfriend Lambchops and Tellie who lives on Thai’s couch were drunk and immobile.  It was an odd scene.  So we talked a bit, lambchops offered to drive me to the show the guys were playing the next night, and to the showers we went.  By the time our first expedition into shower sex with eachother was over everyone was in bed and I had glisteningly clean boobs.  Thanks Thai.  I fell asleep listening to the Oh Brother Where Art Though Soundtrack while massaging his thighs…

 The next day at work i was so fucking chipper I wanted to throttle myself.  Sorry world.  Im grotesquely satisfied with life.