Made in secret

It has been a long time.  I used to write as often and as honestly as I could, but after I wrote about my abortion I decided to stop because the notes were overwhelmingly rude and ignorant (and anonymous).  So I went out and lived and kept it all to myself.  I’m getting married next weekend.  My fiance had a vasectomy so holla to all you bitches who think I should pop a few kids out instead of "killing" them.

Now I am just antagonizing people.  It has been a long ass time.

Still working in the library, still doing burlesque.  

I just had to write in tonight because I can’t sleep.  Thai (my fiance) and I had a big conversation tonight and I finally told him the secret I didn’t even write in here.  I was too ashamed.  Which is madness, because I got raw once or thrice, in my hey day.

Anyway, I finally admitted to Thai that Rummy, the guy I was dating when I met Thai, the exboyfriend who Thai "stole me from" got drunk and raped me more than a few times.  I didn’t do anything about it either.  He was an alcoholic (he is an alcoholic) so I made a lot of excuses and had a really hard time leaving because I wanted to save him from himself.  He would just get drunk and start on me and I would say no and struggle, but he wouldn’t stop.  So I would lay there crying and sometimes he would be so drunk he’d pass out part way through, and sometimes he’d be so drunk he couldn’t get off and it would just go on forever.  I never reported him.  I assume because I was so ashamed.  You think you’re strong and that you know everything and you can’t be hurt and then something so humiliating happens and you just blame yourself.

Thai was amazing when I told him.  He just cried and held me and we talked about how good it was that I got off that path in life, and how what happened then has nothing to do with my sexuality now, or at least it doesn’t have to.  He already knew that I was molested by my father for years, so it wasn’t like some giant revelation that I have some damned dark places.  He’s already adept at the holding and the crying and the dealing with trauma.  I’m going to get help when I get back from my honeymoon in a couple of weeks.  I’m sure my brain has a few corners that nee sweeping out.

And just so you know, folks.  When you fuck around with someone else’s sexuality, it sticks with them.  It informs what they do.  It can either destroy them or they can fight it and win, but it never goes away completely.  SO if you are doing something like that to another person, How ever you justify what you are doing, you better get your life right.  I can tell you that person will tell on you, they might tell a cop or they might tell a friend who tells a cop.  They might tell a friend who tells the whole damn town.  You will be caught.  You should live your life in fear that one day a cop will knock on your door.  I helped put away someone who molested a kid 30 years ago in a different country than I live in.  I’d never met either person in person but I still collected the evidence, sent it to the police and that person ended up convicted and jailed.  So live in fear, if you haven’t been caught, your day is coming.  Could be any time.  Could be when you’re too old to do anything to anyone anymore.  And no matter when it is, or where, I bet all jails will still have those dudes who are really in to raping molesters.