Its my Non-happening and it freaks me out

First off what didn’t happen:

I have not yet received my little sister big sister match person.  Whoever I live with has to have a police check.  I’m waiting til I actually move into the "candy-cooch-stripper-pole-commune" as it was recently dubbed by Ok, Panic.  That way I only have to drag one group of people through the process.  Gelfling had a shady childhood but fortunately I believe she kept it all in her teenage years and is now excused of any mischevious goings-on.  They do a house tour too.  So that could be interesting.  Might have to take down the wall of retro pinups and bondage photographs of me and my lady friends.  Fuck maybe Im not suited for helping a child not get pregnant and get to college.  Em and Lambchop both pointed out that kids are rotten this weekend.  The 4 year old Em was nanny to last year asked her almost every morning at the FAMILY breakfast table if she made love to her boyfriend the night before.  Lambchop’s little sister match was a grade 4 student dating a grade 8 student and thought Lambchop was sent to give her tips on how to give a blow job.  Which….I mean, she would naturally have some pointers if the girl wasn’t in GRADE FOUR.  Seriously world, what the fuck?  Doesn’t anybody wait til prom to turn into a crazy nympho anymore?

Also our latest photo shoot got postponed due to a nasty snow storm.  I had my hair all curled and everything.  What a bitch.  It’s been rebooked for the 29th.  Its a better day for it I suppose since I dont work during the day and Lambchop, Em and I can all get dressed and ready together.  Also Drummer mentioned something about having black and white rope he could donate to the cause.  Excellent.  I was right disappointed that I wasn’t being tied up and spanked on film that night so I went home and took naked photos of myself….nearly naked.  I wore the scarf Thai knit and left at my house.  I emailed him the photos and then phoned him.  He was out at Tele’s.  He actually stopped drinking after we talked so he could drive home and look at them that night.  Also it came out that he wants to take photos of me.  I don’t know why it took him this long to say something.  Hell yes you can!  HAHAHA.

Further disappointment, one of the burlesque shows Im performing in got postponed.  However Thai has come full circle.  He not only gave up being against my stripping, his band is now the house band for the evening.  HOKAY.  Em and Lambchop are both doing acts now too.  Em’s boyfriend is totally against it and refuses to be even slightly supportive.  But he’s in England right now so what the hell can he really do about it.  He ought to think twice about his little sttitude problem.  It’s 3 months til they’ll see eachother again, he doesn’t have a job, and Tele has become quite taken with miss Em.  Im rooting for Tele.  He’s here for starters.  He has a job.  And also, he makes candy apples.  Boyfriend material.  On the other hand Lambchop’s boyfriend who usually plays the asshole card is excited about the show.  He is in Thai’s band.  "Im glad you’re stripping lambchop.  You have great tits and now everyone will know.  Strippers are awesome".  Ok….so his rationale is a little off but he’s supportive.

The boys had a little shindig on Saturday.  Not my boys, Thai’s boys.  There were girls there.  Hot girls.  Hot girls who went into Thai’s room when he wasn’t looking, brought me with them and proceeded to get naked.  I like Thai’s friends.  We danced around naked awhile and then Thai and Elmo came in.  Lambchop laid on top of my naked body to hide me as she managed to cover up fast.  HAHAHA we were DRUNK.  That drunk.  It was a good party.  I drank a little beverage I like to call Eastern Bloc Koo-Aid.  I bought Hungarian Pear Liquer, Croatian Plum Brandy….and couldn’t afford to buy mix.  So I blended up everything sweet and fruity in my house:  A banana, an orange, a can of peaches in syrup, a can of frozen fruit punch, freezies, a chunk of pineapple, grenadine syrup, frozen blueberries.  Then I watered it down to juice consistency because it was fairly thick.  Then I added 2 parts plum brandy to every 3 parts pear.  I added as much water as pear because its thick and sugary and always gives me a headache.  DO NOT mix soda pop and golden pear.  It will make you stop drinking after your second drink.  WAY too much sugar.  I topped the juice jug off with my blended juice concoction and mixed it up.  DELICIOUS.  Even now the pulp that settled to the bottom is in Thai’s ice box.  When we discovered a thick, purple from blueberries, pulp in my jug instead of more booze he told me he was going to pour it all over my body and lick it off.  And even though it seems like a schemey way for him to get the last of my booze, Im ok with it.  We didnt do it that night though.  No we went to the car to sleep as Em was in his bed and his bed is TINY.  Of course this is Canada in March and it was fucking freezing.  We lasted for 3 passed out drunk hours and then I woke up….really bitchy.  We ran inside and showered at 5am.  They party ended oddly early.  Everyone just dispersed. I thought we were going to the car to bone but Thai passed out.  Why have a station wagon if you’re not going to have sex in it, Thai?  WHY!?  After our shower we went and made Em give us one of the mattresses and we slept on the floor.  I woke up the next day still drunk at 9 am…and…

I knew I had about an hour before my period started to find A TAMPON!  Dundundun. 

My period is as regular as clock work because Ive been taking birth control for an eternity so dont ask me WHY I didnt have a damn tampon.  I decided to drunken wander to the variety store….but I couldnt find my debit card.  The counter-bitch saw I was buying tampons.  And she saw me panicking while I was searching for my debit card.  But she actually let me leave empty handed.  If it had been me I would have said, take em.  THEYRE TAMPONS.  She is going to have some bad tampon karma now.  Back at the house Lambchop and Em were awake so I asked for a tampon.  When Lambchop gave me one I ran around the house like it was an olympic torch.  I took care of business and then slumped on the couch til I sobered up a little.  A hangover never occured.  All that fruit coursing through my system was AWESOME.  I recommend Eastern Bloc Kool Aid

Later that day I taught Thai’s mom to knit.  She told her husband she was going to knit him a penis warmer.

I want to marry that woman.

Oh also last week someone hit my car in a parking lot and later I got a flat tire.  But thats just shitty news.  Im off to get the spare replaced with a bonafide, genuine tire now.