Wits End

Wits End

I was looking for a public journal or diary because I wanted to share my feelings and frustrations about myself. I’m hoping that eventually this can be developed further and I can share this with those I love because as of right now, I am at my wits end.

I am troubled, very troubled. There’s a lot of aspects about myself that even I don’t understand at all. I don’t understand why I say certain things, do certain things, and why I am so scared of people. I also don’t understand why everyone always finds something to be angry at me with. I’m not saying people don’t have a right to sometimes. They absolutely do; I’ve done shitty things under poor judgement. Sometimes vindictive, sometimes straight stupid, and I’m sorry. To anyone who knows me and reads this, I am sorry. It feels like all I do nowadays is apologise for the things I do. I can never do anything right. I can never make people happy. I try, and I want to, but perhaps it’s predetermined in me that I’m just not made for making others happy, no matter how much I want to.

I guess what prompted this was an incident from today. I have a dear friend whom I’ve had for around 2 years now. I spend a lot of time with him, and I’m happy to spend time with him. Recently, I had an episode. I have suicidal ideation, and poor judgement and inhibition when I’m in said episodes. I said triggering things to him, things that caused him to relive his past experiences, making his own issues trigger his inhibitions, and do bad things. I felt ashamed, I really did, and I found it hard to talk to him, but I did and I said I wanted time to think and rectify what I’d done. The following day was Friday. Every Friday, myself and my friends from back home gather on a call and play some games. It’s a weekly tradition, sometimes its more than one time a week, which is lucky and I take every chance I get with them, because I miss them and hardly see them anymore. My friend saw this and was confused. He thought I lied, that I wasn’t rectifying myself and that I was just blowing him off to talk to other people. It wasn’t true, and that wasn’t my intention. I thought some things got misconstrued so I wanted to calmly clarify. This started another terrible thing for me.

He accused me of being uncaring, being a liar, being rude and hurtful and bringing up bad things I’ve done before, bad things I know I’ve done and I regret every day. I felt it was unnecessary, aggressive, accusatory, and hurtful for the sake of hurting. I was shocked, I was upset, and it brought me right back to where I seem to keep ending up: apologising for making people feel unloved.

I’m avoidant. I have a hard time talking to those closest to me. Not just friends, but parents, counsellors, anyone who’s job it should be to care and understand and always be there for you. I know this, its ruining my relationships with people, and its so, so scary. I cannot control it, I have no rhyme or reason for these actions. I’ve always been avoidant, and I’ve never found a good way to open up to people. Any time I do, I feel like I’m setting myself up for more hurt, because that’s where I always seem to end up. It’s not even saddening anymore, just disappointing, expected, routine.

I want to improve. I want to talk to all the people I used to talk to without the fear like I’m walking on eggshells. I want people to understand that, that the reason I withdraw is because I’m scared. It’s a counterproductive process and it only serves to worsen things for myself. It’s involuntary, and no one seems to understand that. No one seems to want to understand. People explode on me, pent up emotion that I am responsible for and I retaliate with defensiveness and vindictiveness. Not out of malice, not out of genuine want to hurt, but because I’m scared. I’m so scared when people are upset with me, because they never want to talk about it in a way that I can understand or find comfortable. I want people to say “Hey, I’m having concerns with you. I want to talk to you about them and lay the cards on the table and say how I’m feeling.” Its never that, its just outbursts of emotion, and I can’t digest emotion well.

I want my mum. I wanna go back home. I wanna go to my own bed. I feel like a kid when people do this all the time. I feel like no one wants to be down to earth with me, they just want to yell and when I express that I’m always in the wrong because I hurt people and I’m not allowed to be hurt either. I understand complexity, I understand that nothing is simple, but I want to explain that with someone fully, but I never get the chance.

I never have malicious intent. I’m a quiet person, too quiet for my own good. I’m so quiet that I go unnoticed, at least I want to. But people don’t want that. People want me, want to see me, hear me, hear what I have to say, but I don’t know how to do that.

I really, really don’t. It’s not something I’m familiar with. I want to be, but its so, so hard. I’ve been so used to being no one my whole life, that I still fall into those habits. Every time there is an outburst I feel like I’m fighting for the sake of assuring people that I’m listening. But they don’t see that, and I understand that. How can they? When they talk to me, they don’t talk to me, they talk to themselves with the image of me there. I wish, wish, wish I was more than that. I wish I could be entertaining, I wish I could be more, I wish I could match energy and talk back and have wit and have meaningful conversations with people, but its just so hard. I talk to myself all the time, I converse with myself all the time, but its different when its people for me. Its harder, I can’t keep up. I just like company. I’m not a wordy person, I listen. I’m there to listen and hear, but its not enough. I am not enough.

This isn’t meant to be a sympathy-garnering entry, this is just how I feel. As a person, human, entity, fucking whatever. I barely feel human half the time, more like a robot with an idea of how people are. I say I’m not a wordy person, but I’m trying to be. This journal entry is my evidence of that. I want this to serve as a window into myself, a chance for people to see how I feel and think because I can’t do so in the spoken word. And I want people to read, I want people to read my thoughts and my feelings and my opinions because I’m so desperate to be seen as human. I’m desperate for validation, I’m desperate for someone to just say ‘It’s okay.’ I can write, I can write with all my might and say how I feel here. I’m planning to; if I can’t do it with my voice then this shall be my voice. That’s probably still not enough, and I’m sorry. I’m working on it, still.

I simply hope that those who read this get something out of my written words. Get a more cohesive image of me, my life, feelings, everything. I’m sorry for disappointing you all over and over again, but I am trying. I swear. This is evidence that I am. Thank you for taking the time to read this and hopefully try to understand my worldview, I will be back with more entries at a later date.