Very close

Today, I attended my first ever session with my psychotherapist. We had spoken on the phone a few days prior and now have met in person. She was nice and welcoming and we began talking about my avoidance. I learned a few valuable things that I can take into consideration. Most notably, for me, that my avoidance should be looked at as a mechanism for maintaining my relationships. As in, I am avoidant because it is the way that is most comfortable for me to have a relationship in the first place, which I found understandable. It’s early going, and I still have many sessions ahead of me, but I expect to see some more results and understanding for myself.

There was, however, an instance near the end. I wanted to get something off my chest. I tried to. I told her about the vacuum in the back of my head, the empty space where it feels as if I’m forgetting something. That must have triggered a deep emotional response for me, because upon doing so, my mood shifted dramatically. I couldn’t look her in the eyes, I spoke less, I felt a lump in my throat and tears welling in my eyes. My speech was shaky and it was harder for me to get my words out. I have never had a reaction like this before when talking about that void in my brain. I believe its telling me that there really is something there, something I’m either forgetting or intentionally suppressing. Whatever it is, it doesn’t seem pleasant in the slightest.

I couldn’t bring myself to tell her what I believed it was. I was vague, telling her that over the years I’ve had dreams that all revolve around a certain terrible subject matter, and how it may be representative or indicative of something that may have happened to me. It was really hard to keep my composure, but I did. I fought the urge so hard to cry and break down on that seat, but I didn’t. I wouldn’t let myself. One: because I’m not ready. And two: I was strapped for time. 50 per session; I’m a student, that’s kicking my wallet’s ass.

I went home immediately after, going to my room and locking myself in there. Deep breaths. I got changed into my pyjamas, my outdoor clothes were kinda sweaty from walking uphill, and I wanted to feel the warmth and comfort of the PJ’s. Since then, I’ve done nothing. Laid in bed, huddling for warmth, trying to calm myself down from the events prior. It was exhausting, physically and emotionally. It’s not often I show emotion, but when I do, it takes everything out of me for the rest of the day. My eyes have felt heavy, and I barely have an appetite for anything other than dopamine-releasing junk food as of right now. I feel weak, physically, and uncomfortable no matter which position I sit in.

She wanted to change my arrangement. She could see that beneath the surface, this was a much more dire situation than she had initially been led to believe. She could sense that fear, upset, pain. She wants to change it from fortnightly to weekly, if I am willing. I’d like to, but money is an issue. If I wasn’t so impulsive with spending perhaps I’d be in a better position. No matter, I’m sure something can be worked out. An hour per week seems like barely enough, that hour flies by in no time at all. I suppose it would be a lot worse if it were once fortnightly, I’d forget everything each time and not be able to maintain connection with her, which she notified me of and I understand.

It was still a pretty scary experience, I’d forgot the feeling of being so vulnerable in the company of another person. Its not something that happens often at all, given the fact that I’m not particularly close with anyone physically in the first place. Its kinda like stage fright, you freeze up, can’t manage to get the words out of your mouth, all you can do is stand there like a deer in headlights. I’ll get over it, I’ll get the words out when the time is right and I am confident enough in my ability to listen to the words come out of my own mouth.

I don’t know, kinda feels like everything’s sinking again. The hopes I had are on borrowed time because I’m the only one doing anything about it. Its not a hurdle I can overcome on my own, those around me, I feel, also have an obligation to put the same effort in as they command me to do. Its the reason I’m in therapy in the first place. If I don’t get some kind of assurance or change in that soon, then I don’t know. I’m back to not knowing, how sad. This is the part once again where I say thank you for stopping by. Call a friend, eat some chocolate, hug whoever you can, and never stop looking for that connection.