What If?

To anyone who may stumble upon this, HELLO! Part of me seriously doubts anyone will read this but if you are:

Hi, I’m a perpetually single millennial in her *gasp* late 20s (27 to be exact) who has no clue what she’s doing with her life.

I always kept myself super busy. Every weekend I would surround myself with fun plans and different friends to help me fill the void of being alone. I always had something fun to look forward to: my next weekend trip, my 5-year alumni reunion, or just a night out with my girlfriends.  I was living in the moment and I tried to not let myself worry about the future. However, once COVID hit and all my upcoming plans got canceled, I couldn’t help but reflect on my life and wonder how I got here.

I always thought by my late 20s I would have my shit figured out. I tried to not compare myself to others but the older I get the less prepared I feel and the more I feel like my family and friends are leaving me behind. Every day I see another friend, my age, getting engaged, buying a house, having a child, and then there’s me! I have never been in a relationship; I’m currently still living at my parents’ house, and my job is okay at best.  And the scariest part is, I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what I’m doing with my life or how to change this. Every time I try to think about my future, this overwhelming feeling of anxiety and fear washes over me. I feel like a failure and although logically I know I have so many things to be proud of I can’t help but compare myself to others. All these people I went to high school and college with, look like they are living these amazing lives and I can’t help but to compare myself to them and feel like I have somehow failed along the way. For the most part, I love my life and I think everything will work out eventually. But for some reason, I can’t seem to shake this feeling of uncontrollable self-doubt, insecurity, and anxiety about my life and what my future looks like. I REALLY want to believe everything will work out but I can’t help but think what if. What if I end up alone in life; what if I never find a better job; what if this is the best it gets.