hopeless like always

You know I was laying in bed and I remember this one sean from this anime fruits basket and the main girl Tohru says something.
“What I mean is, a person’s admirable qualities.  They’re just like… say… a pickled plum on a rice ball!  In other words, the person’s the riceball and the plum’s stuck to their back.  So, all over the world you could have rice balls, made with all sorts of wonderful ingredients.  All different flavors, and shapes, and colors… but since they’d be stuck in the middle of everyone’s back, someone could have a plum and not even know it!  They’d look at themselves and think, “I’m so plain.  Nothing but white rice.”  Even though it isn’t true; because turn them around and sure enough… there it is.  Yup, I can see it, I can see it very clearly Kyo!  You have a great big plum on your back!!  Yuki’s admirable in his way… and you’re admirable in yours.”

There is something about this that sticks out to me. It might be that I think it’s true. Despite what others told me he has a kid and even now I do believe that no matter what there is something special about every person.

I wish I could think like this when I was upset. Instead I have relapsed back into self harm. I worked for 8 weeks at this program to help with my self harm and its ben a few weeks since going there and a lot of things have happened and I relapsed without even realizing it.

When I started the program I was cutting everyday normally at lunch time and I cut 9 times as deep as I could go without it being in need of attention from a professional.  Then after 8 weeks of being in the program I was only cutting 1 every 3 weeks. But now…… it has been about 4 or 5 weeks since then and I have been starting to relapse.

I cut again today and that would be the 3rd time this week. Which isn’t what I want but I can’t seem to stop myself. I tried everything I could think of. May that be going on a walk taking a bath surrounding myself with people or calling a friend and many more. No matter what i can’t seem to do anything right. Im hopeless. I’m just like that little girl standing at the top of the stairs watching the only family I know walk away forever.