Ouch.
This summer is turning out to be a huge bust. Corinne and I used to be really good friends…during junior year we were practically inseparable. I know she’s busier now with grad school, work and a boyfriend, but I feel like she’s discarded her friends for her boyfriend Keith. It really hurts that I don’t mean as much to her as a guy that she met last september. Over the summer I figured she’d be less busy since she’s out of school but no…She doesn’t return IMs or e-mails and to tell you the truth, I don’t feel like begging. It hurts nonetheless.
My new camp also is not what I thought it would be. They subject all counselors to a swim test, which I failed, because I can’t do laps. I can tread water, I can swim around, but I certainly cannot do laps…so they failed me and switched me out of the group that I was originally supposed to be in charge of (seventh and eighth graders, for the camp’s Travel Camp program). I don’t know what my new schedule is, I don’t know if I will be in regular camp or place in a younger travel camp group, or if my salary will get changed…I’m so stressed. As much as I hated my old camp, they paid me $2400 and I never had to take a retarded swim test.
Home no longer really feels like home. Rebecca incessantly talks about moving out, and Jeff (her boyfriend) is living with us for an indeterminate amount of time. He’s waiting for Becca to get a job so they could both afford to get an apartment together. I know my parents are being really sweet to help out Jeff and Becca, but it makes me uncomfortable to have him here. He’s nice enough, but ridiculously cheap, which really irks me. I mean, he’s not paying rent or for food…what does he have to be cheap about??? On top of eveything I have to constantly watch my language because Jeff’s sensitive about certain topics and can get easily offended. Also, seeing Becca and Jeff constantly toegther makes me so incredibly sad. I haven’t seen Mike in a month and this relationship of ours is slowly but surely going downhill.
I’ll never admit this to anyone, but I am really really jealous of both Becca and John. John loves his school and has his tight-knit groups of friends both at school and at home. I love my friends at school but most of them graduated and few live near me. I’m busy with camp, and shadowing a PA, and volunteer work that I literally have no time to visit people, with the exception of Mike once a month. I feel very alone at home, and it makes me feel even sadder that my home is no longer my refuge…Being at home just doesn’t feel the way it used to…
As for Mike…since that conversation mentioned in my diary (that happened two weeks ago) we really haven’t talked on-line since. He’s always off to do something….He doesn’t call me any more…he used to call all the time…and now I just feel like it’s very one-sided. I really really really like him….It’s sad, but this is the longest-lasting relationship I’ve ever been in. I don’t want to cling, but I feel like it’s ending and there’s nothing I can do about it. ON one hand I’m really upset, but on the other I’m pissed off. He was the one who kept telling me during the last week of school that everything’ll be OK and that we should just hang in over the summer. The last time I saw him was May 29, and yes, that is a relatively long time, but it feels like he’s already throwing in the towel. And that makes me feel worthless….I’m not even worth waiting for for 30 days. I’m not worth someone’s friendship as soon as a guy is in the picture, I’m not worth…I dunno…not much I guess.
I need to go back up to Binghamton to move things into my new house and have the utilities on…I’m staying with Mike while I’m there, but we’ll see how things go…I may just wind up being in my new house and cutting my trip short. To tell you the truth, I’ll be surprised if this relationship lasts past the end of July.
**Artist**