Opening Weekend Cont’d

So, in my characteristic infinite wisdom I decided to smoke massive amounts of marijuana to decrease the nausea. That sort of worked…but not really. I stopped throwing up for a little while but I ended up curling into a ball in the corner of my room and passing out. Apparently my friends tried to wake me but I yelled at them. Then I finally decided that if I stayed home while Big and Tanya were here (and Mike) I’d be so pissed at myself.

So now I was mildly nauseous but wicked tired and groggy and headed out in the freezing weather with my friends. We walked inot the bar to get drinks and I almost immediately turned around and walked out. I began to feel violently ill again and didn’t want to embarrass myself. I told Jennie and Big that I was leaving and went to go and find a cab. While outside, walking to the cab by myself in the freezing cold weather I got this incredible feeling of loneliness wash over me. So I turned myself around and walked back into the bar. I was so glad I went back in. All of my friends seemed so glad to see me. And Mike seemed glad to see me too which is always a bonus. He told me "I would’ve been so pissed if you left." We were basically together all night…it was so nice to just chill with him…and I never feel like I have to think about things to talk about with him.

Anyway, so after I got back in Tanya handed me a water and we went to the dance floor. I actually sat on the side because I still felt so sick. So this guy comes up to me and is like "You’re not sitting on the side because you have no one to dance with right? I find that hard to believe." So I explained to him that I was drunk and sick because I had been drinking since 8 pm. He said, "Well when you sober up let me know." How is it that I get hit on when I’m wasted and sick??

Anyway, I was dancing with Mike and Jennie for awhile. Mike’s actually not a bad dancer….I felt better when I started singing terribly off key with Jennie to ‘Barbie Girl’ and other lovely classics…. After awhile I started to get really cold and Mike got really hungry. So I left Tanya and Big with Jennie and went across the street to get pizza. He ate four slices and kept encouraging me to eat, but I knew that that was just a bad idea. I had managed to not throw up directly in front of him all night and didn’t want to break the trend. We ended up not being able to get a cab so we basically just ran for it in the freezing cold….

We got back to my house without much ado, besides the hellish weather. I had decided to not attempt to cuddle with him or anything…I figured that if he cuddled with me he somewhat liked me right? And yes, I am aware of how juvenile that is…We fell asleep sometime after 3 am after talking. We talked about the way we are as people…a pretty deep conversation for a guy who’s had too many beers and a chick who’s high and drunk….I flat-out admitted that I was a bitch. I told him of my tendency to cut people off if they hurt me badly enough. I don’t know if he was trying to be nice but he kept callling me a sweet little hobbit. He said that I was direct and didn’t lie about my feelings, which I guess is a compliment. I told him I was a bad person because I hold so much anger towards certain people and am unable to let it go. He actually did make me feel better by saying that if someone got me that upset to the point that I cut them out of my life, then my anger was justified. One of the last things I remember him saying was "I don’t think you’re a bad person." I simply replied, "You don’t know me." I’m still wondering why I admitted all of this to him. Anyway, I capitualted.

Earlier in the night he was rubbing his feet against mine. When he had been on my computer earlier to show me a funny website (about hobbits) he was rubbing the backs of my calves when I stood next to him. So when I woke up around 4 am, I figured ‘Fuck it’ and snuggled into his arms. We have this one position where we’re both laying on our sides facing each other and his arm is draped over my waist and his leg is thrown over mine. It’s so comforting. And other than being woken up by my fire alarm (apparently leaving my canndle burning overnight was a bad idea) the morning was great. He was rubbing his hand over my back in lazy circles that felt so incredibly good. I wanted to stay there forever….or at least a few days. Our faces were so close at one point…I reallly wanted to kiss him but I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to. Besides, he made no move to kiss me and he doesn’t strike me as a shy guy. In fact, my friend Heather and Heather’s friend Allison (who’s known Mike since he was a freshman) have been both quite adamant that Mike is a male whore. Which is something else that really bothers me….I cannot cannot cannot be used by a guy again, at least not any time soon…my heart (and sanity) can’t take it.

He stayed until after two-thirty. Jennie and I made a pancake breakfast and watched ‘Motor Mouth’ and ‘I Love the 90’s’ all afternoon. Mike chilled out on the couch with me…my head was on a pillow which was in his lap…it was so nice…. I was talking to Heather today, which was a mistake. She often says things (or retracts things) she’s said to make her friends feel better. She was telling me that she talked to Mike, who apparently had ‘so much fun with me this weekend’ (yay!) and that we ‘platonically laid in bed together.’ Hm. So does this mean we’re friends who cuddle??!! Jennie told me that she cuddles with her guy friends all the time. That sucks. I don’t want a guy in my bed if he’s my friend….And Heather told me in a phone conversation that Mike’s a great friend but he’d make a crummy boyfriend because he’s such a whore. When she sensed I was upset she quickly reversed her stance (in the same phone conversation) and declared that he’d be a great boyfriend. I’m so confused. Why would you snuggle that way with someone you only think of as a friend…? Wouldn’t that send out mixed signals…? Then I get to thinking that maybe Mike thinks I’m a cool chick to just drink with…which absolutely sucks….I’m so confused….