Hurt

 Mike hurts me so much sometimes. Saturday night he got into a bad
mood because Heather and Trevor were acting like obnoxious drunks at my
house. When he gets mad though he doesn’t tell me who he’s mad at, and
I assume that its me because he treats me like shit. I pulled him aside
to ask him what was the matter and he kept telling me that nothing was
wrong, although obviously something was. It became embarrassingly
apparent that he was pissed about something when I kept tryin to hug
him or be affectionate with him and he kept pushing me away. He ended
up asking me for my house key so he could go back home, once we got
into the club. I kept offering to go with him, but he said he didn’t
want me to. He may have well told me that he simply didnt want me. I
felt like crying and desperately wanted to go after him, but that would
have been needy…and besides it was Bridgette’s birthday. So I stayed
and pretended to have fun with my friends.

I ran into Henry that night. He asked me where I would be and I told
him that I was going to the Rat later. He told me to call him when I
got there. I don’t know why, but I agreed to. I felt so lonely and
depressed and unwanted. Henry and I ended up dancing at the Rat,
nothing more. I knew he was drunk and what I was doing was stupid so I
kept the stupidity to a minimum.

We didn’t get back til 4 am where we hung out in the living room for
awhile and talked. I finally called it quits around 4:15…Mike was
awake. I wasn’t surprised since everyone was being so loud. He snuggled
with me, but it didn’t help. I was so depressed and unhappy. The men I
get involved with seem to follow this pattern. They’re wonderful to me
and then they suddenly become cruel and mean. I don’t know what to do
about it any more and I’ve cried myself to sleep for the past two
nights.

I know that I can take out my stress and anxiety out on other people,
but at the very least they know what I’m stressed about. When Mike gets
stressed, he won’t tell me why but treats me like crap regardless. It
makes me feel as if I did something wrong, and then I spend hours
trying to figure out what I did wrong. Then the next morning when he’s
feeling better, I’m still feeling like garbage. I have started to
moniter everything that I say and do because I’m so apprehensive about
getting him into a bad mood. I don’t want to end this because I really
do adore him but at the same time he makes me anxiety problem
exponentially worse when he gets into one of his black moods. I don’t
know what to do…