Cont’d

The next day I had off, and luckily I didn’t hear from D. I saw him that Tuesday morning when we had rounds. I tried very hard not to look at him because I wasn’t quite sure how to act. I ended up accidentally catching his eye as he walked by. He gave me the "chin" (where a guy kind of just jerks his chin upwards…it’s a guy’s way of saying hello to someone he doesn’t want to while trying to look cool) and I gave him a small smile/grimace. I felt horrible. The man is willing to put me in his lap, but can’t say hello? I didn’t do anything wrong and I felt terrible.

The rest of the day was uneventful until I went to clinic that afternoon. He passed through the hallway while I was writing up a chart. All of a sudden I hear him call my last name…I looked up and there he was. I admit, he’s good-looking. Plus he has a fabulous body. And he’s a doctor. He joked around with me a little bit about missing the trauma call by ten minutes. After he left I felt guilty about not liking him back. I mean, I always wish that Mike had more motivation and had a better paying job. Now, a handsome doctor who seems to be a pretty nice guy is hitting on me and I feel bad??? I mean, this is what I wanted, right?

So I texted D "Good job not showing up to clinic." I wonder what would’ve happened had I just never texted him. Maybe things would’ve just stayed as they were. Technically, it was my fault everything that happened next occurred because by texting him I showed D that I was in fact interested. Anyway, D texted me back later that night while I was picking up Chinese food with my mother. She kept asking me who I was texting, but I lied and said it was a friend. He asked me if he could invite me somewhere. When I asked where, he said anywhere I want. So I asked if he wanted to have breakfast with me after rounds…after all, it was the hospital cafeteria, where nothing bad could truly happen since it was so crowded.

So the next morning I met up with him after our conference for breakfast, but he got paged and had to leave. I sometimes wonder if it was another female (student or colleague) paging him. So he left, but before he did he asked if I wanted to get dinner with him, which I agreed to. As I watched him leave, I knew what I was doing was wrong. I was having dinner with someone who was definitely not a friend, and who wasn’t related to me, or dating me (ie–Mike). While I was at the library he texted me that I looked gorgeous. My heart jumped a little and I felt incredibly guilty for allowing myself to be that happy….

Later that day I was eating lunch with my friend Alex, who I met through one of the med students who was on the trauma team with me. He was in surgery while I was in my ER rotation and was a huge help when it came to learning the ropes of my current rotation. I don’t remember how the conversation got started, but he mentioned that D was dating (or had dated) one of the residents while he (Alex) was doing the surgery rotation only a few weeks before. Alex also told me that while D was a nice resident to the students, he wasn’t the type of person to get romantically involved with because he has the reputation of a player. Again, why I deserve everything that happened–I was told about D’s reputation beforehand, and got involved with him anyway. My only reasoning was that Mike also had a bad reputation before he and I began dating, and he didn’t live up to all the the bad things my friends told me about him. So I immediately texted D telling him that something came up and I couldn’t meet him for dinner. I was near tears in the car…I don’t know why, but I think I had started to like D a little.

He texted me back asking if I wanted to make it earlier, or on Friday. I had made up my mind to not respond. I actually stuck to it, for a little while. He texted me in the afternoon to ask how I was doing. I have no idea why, but I texted him back that I would be in the OR all day.  Did I subconsciously want him to come to the OR? Maybe…probably. Why did I even fucking answer..?? So while I was in a surgery watching a laparoscopic cholecystectomy, guess who walked in? Yup, D did. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye..He was sitting on a table on the opposite corner of the room. I knew he was looking at me and I was trying to not look at him by keeping my back angled to him. He looked good though, I have to admit. I don’t think I’ve ever had someone that good-looking pursue me. I mean, Mike is adorable with his blond hair, blue eyes and chubby face, but D is downright hot. I mean, dark hair, dark eyes, olive skin, extremely muscular…and he liked me apparently. So he comes over to me and says, "You should sit down on the other side…you’ll be able to see better." So I followed him to the other side and he sat down on the chair next to me. He asked me where I went yesterday and I lied (surprise!!) and said I had to go home and babysit my brother. He asked me how old my brother was and I said "16." He gave me an odd look. I know I’m a bad liar…You’d think that would make me want to lie less often…He asked me if I wanted to have dinner with him tonight and I said OK. So much for my resolution to not talk to him, huh? He left, but asked me to call him when I got out. I felt excited and incredibly fucking guilty. I knew D had a bad reputation, yet I was going with him to dinner. I knew Michael was eating dinner at home alone. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I should’ve told D long before that I had a boyfriend. I didn’t though….why? I still don’t know how to answer that question. Why I couldn’t bring up the fact that I was in a relationship with Michael…

So I texted him when I was out and met him by the ICU. We snuck out of the building, since he was on-call and technically supposed to stay in the hospital. We went back to his apartment where he said he was going to get something. On the walk back I asked him about Anna, the resident he’d been dating. I asked him point-blank if he was still dating her. He admitted to dating her but said she was "weird" and that it had ended weeks ago. He asked me if I knew that he liked me. It was so sweet the way he said it. At the time I thought he really was being serious. He asked me why I left yesterday and I admitted to leaving early because I had heard that he was still dating her. He said he was glad I asked him. I really thought I was a good judge of character up until I met D…

So we got into his apartment and I was determined to stay as close to the door as possible. We were standing near his kitchen, when he asked for my hand. I gave it to him and he  tugged so I would walk closer. He took me in both arms and kissed me. I was excited and wanted to cry at the same time. The first thought that ran through my head was "What are you doing to Michael??" Mike’s name kept running through my head. As good-looking as D is, he’s a shitty kisser. I was sort of disappointed. I mean, with that kind of reputation you’d think he’s be better.

Anyway he kept stroking my face and hugging me. I didn’t know what to do so I kept kissing him. He pulled me in his lap on a kitchen chair and asked me where I’ve been for all this time. I really thought with all the shit that he was spewing that he actually liked me. He asked me to go ups

tairs with him, but I said no. He said, not to worry that we wouldn’t do anything bad. What was that old saying..? Oh yeah, curiosity killed the cat…

Nothing really did happen…we were in his bed kissing, but clothes remained on. We fell asleep and woke woke and went to a dinwr afterwards. It meant (I thought) that this was more than physical and we actually like talking to each other. Again, my judge of character when it came to D was way off. He went to the bathroom and I called my mother to lie (shocker..) and say that I was staying at the hospital late.

D dropped me off by my car, but kissed me before letting me out. He asked to see me again tomorrow. I can’t lie; I was really flattered. I really thought he liked me. I agreed, and tried not to think of Mike on the drive back home.