Coming Back to OD

I haven’t written in a long time because I wasn’t sure quite what to write. I feel as if I have no reason to complain because some of the things that I have done are inexcusable. I cheated on Michael with a man who was also sleeping with at least one other woman that I know of besides me. She found my phone number in his phone and his pager and ended up calling me one night to ask who I was. Make a long story short it wasn’t pretty. We both "surprised" him at his apartment. I found out that she got back together with him two months later. I shouldn’t even have the right to be hurt, since I hurt Michael far worse.

I had sent an e-mail to this man, and Michael found the e-mail. He was more forgiving than I would have ever been. Our relationship is still slightly rocky and I know that I have caused irrevocable damage. I know that my short relationship with this man has caused irrevocable damage to myself.

I got a job in NJ after I graduated. It took me three months after graduation to get a job and then another two months to get credentialed and start working. One week after I got my job, Michael lost his. I know that in this economy this isn’t uncommon, but I wish desperately that I was like some of my friends who were completely unaffected by the recession. Michael already has his MBA, but apparently that wasn’t enough to save him. He’s back in school for accounting, but has been unable to get an internship. I’m desperately afraid that he will have the same poor luck at getting job after he graduates in a year, and now we’re in the same boat we were one year ago, but with more debt. We’re not even married and I am carrying a huge financial burden to pay for our expenses. We live well, but haven’t saved much. The financial pressures have put a huge strain on our relationship and I’m starting to wonder if the relationship itself is crumbling under all of the stress.

I know I want to have babies and live in a nice house one day. I don’t see that anywhere in our future. As of this point I would have to pay for my own ring. I would never have a child working the number of hours that I’m working now; if I never see my baby, what would be the point of having one? And if I can’t have children or afford to get married, is staying with Michael worth all of these sacrifices? I know I’m getting ahead of myself, but my fear has been that one day I wake up and I’m 35, Michael still has a problem getting his career going, and we’re still wandering around saying "In just a few years, it will get better…"

Speaking of getting better, my job at the hospital sucks, for lack of a better word. I get paid very well, but I feel that the surgeons use me as a whipping post most of the time. And the PAs are all nice to my face, for the most part, but then they talk about each other behind their backs, and I’m sure I’m not an exception. I can’t afford to leave because A) most people aren’t hiring and B) I need the salary and most places don’t pay as well as I get paid. My original goal was to make six figures by the time I was 30; I’ll hit six figures this year. It’s superficial, and probably unwise of me to advertise this over the internet, but it’s something I’m proud of no less. (Besides, no one knows who I am anyway on this website). The salary is a double edged sword; it’s nice that I’m making the kind of money I hadn’t thought I’d make until years later, but it’s crummy because half of it goes towards Michael. And sometimes I think of all the things I could have if I wasn’t with Michael, and that worries me. If I were truly committed to him and to our relationship, would I really be thinking such things?

Anyway…it’s good to know my diary is still here. I’ve had it for almost ten years as of this point. I will try to write more often, I forgot how cathartic it was.

**Artist**