And History Repeats Itself…

I went out with the Delta Iotas last night, which was a blast. I ended up leaving early though because I was upset. In my life, history just seems to keep repeating itself. Lauren and Nicole told me about Mike. About how he slept with their friend Chrissy, who was a virgin at the time, and then magically seemed to have lost interest once they’d slept together…Sounds a lot like an ex-boyfriend of mine….using people for sex also sounds a lot like Henry. What I don’t understand is how I keep finding totally different guys (looks, background) but all have the excat same personality and agenda. It made me really upset so I left the bar and walked home alone.

My judgement in people hasn’t improved with age. Mike seemed like such an awesome person….but then again, they all do, at first….It makes me so incredibly sad that that seems to be all I’m good for…one night stands. These men make me feel like I have no value…my personality, my thoughts, my opinions, my feelings simply don’t matter because to them, I’m just a vagina, and not a person.

I’m not sure whose fault it is any more. Me for keep picking these losers, or them, for making me feel like I’m absolutely worthless and trashy. I mean, why would one person treat another like that??? I know I’m not the paradigm of kindness, but that extent of cruelty just bewilders me. How can you use someone so casually for sex, especially when you know that they have feelings for you? It bring me back to the idea that I simply don’t matter. I don’t know what else to say. I feel like bawling. I’m supposed to hang out with Mike tonight, but I’d just as rather stand naked in the snow all night, with the way I feel right now. I don’t know what else to say. I want to run away and hide, but there’s nowhere to run. And any place I go it would be the same anyway…people using me for their own (disgusting) purposes, and then casually tossing me aside. Like an old sock.

I’m so sad…..