MUCH better :)

 I am feeling much better today and I will tell you why.

I text Ray "I didn’t mean what I said yesterday. Im sorry. There is way too much for me to handle right now. Ill pencil you in for lunch in sept. Take care."

After that, I thought about Ray a lot.

I asked my aunt if I could log into her facebook, since she was still friends with my ex, and let me look at his facebook page. She agreed and I did.

He talked about his sabbatical in spring about going to France and some other places. Trying to be impressive. And hints he wants to bring Alex with him. PLEASE! He met Alex at the beginning of summer and has been dating him for a week. That is exactly how he was with me, and that exact same sabbatical he was wanting me to go on. Basically, it comes down to him being lonely. Ray doesn’t want to be alone. and this poor kid, Alex, who just like me, is buying into it until Ray finds something better. Alex is 19 and will suck up anything Ray is going to say. My ex always had a wandering eye.
 

Mind you, I am still jealous. I wanted to hang out with Ray, go and do things but he never did. Now, since he dumped me, he is going out for drink all the time and having people over. I may not be completely over Ray yet, but I can honestly say I will be. Once he told me he was across sea somewhere and met this fortune teller who impressed all of his friends and him. She ended up telling him he would find great career success but live a lonely life. I told him I dont believe in fortune tellers. But, in this case, I think she is right. Alex goes back to Maine for school in the Fall and Ray will drop him like a dead fly. Just like he wanted to drop his friend Bryan out of his life over a stupid argument, but I sat up with him a couple nights in a row talking to him about how important Bryan and him were to each other.

The worst part about this is that Ray does things, intentional or not, at least for me, to start thinking of a future with him. Then he left me in the blink of an eye. I will be okay. I will meet guys, a couple will be jerks, but there will be one who will better me and I will better him.

I’ve been thinking a lot about, if Ray does contact me in the future, will I want him around? My friend committed suicide and he couldn’t put his emotions on hold for a minute and just be there for me. Instead, he starts dating another guy. How would I ever put faith in him?

But, I promised myself the day after Ray broke up with me, not to let my heart harden. I really enjoyed the feeling of love and I will let it come again. My heart will be on my sleeve. I will cry, not because I am weak but because I know how to love.

What has been on my mind lately is my friends suicide. He wrote suicide letters, addressed them, and the coroner is sending them out. He knew where I lived and it makes me wonder if he put my physical address, where I dont get mail, or if he knew my POBox. Part of me hopes, if he did write me a letter, it was mailed to the wrong address so I don’t need to feel the pain. Another part of me whole-heartly hopes it was sent to the right address. All I know, for he next couple weeks I will feel anxious about getting the mail. Rest his soul.

The Writer

P.S. I am changing my signature to The Writer, because I am removing most of the information I have about myself from the internet, slowly. I will be going and changing all my old entries one day also, removing my name.