I cry because I love

The sad truth might be I met him at his worst which was perfect for me. He once told me he used to and liked to go out all the time, was extremely social. When I met him, he wasn’t very social. Going out sometimes. We hung out a lot together, watched movies. It was nice and i enjoyed it. But, he said he felt he was in a slump, and I think that is what I fell in love with. I assumed he was just slowing down, him getting older, but, he might have just been in a slump. Maybe I never actually knew the real him. Was the relationship not even real? He left me so fast and found someone else. He once told me, in a relationship, people should be allowed to bring up problems without the other person over-reacting. When I wanted to talk about us not clicking, I didn’t expect us to be breaking apart. I text him about it, and he let if fester in his mind for days and, without even talking to me, i could see it in his eyes the next time I saw him… he wanted to end things.

 I’m happy to announce, I have not once, today, searched for my ex on facebook. I keep hoping, by some glitch, i will be able to see his page, but, not today. My little trick with my aunt didn’t last long, he ended up removing all my family members. I was kind of hoping I could let him go slowly, instead of cold turkey, but that isn’t the case anymore.

Does he even think about me? Does he feel it when I think about him?

Maybe he was scared? I knew him pretty well, I would say. He has it in his head that he is meant to be alone in the end and maybe, just maybe, I was making him think twice about it. Did he see a future with me and get scared? Purposefully trying to ruin the relationship because i challenged what he thought was inevitable? There are strange things I want to tell him now that I was afraid to tell him. Like, when I pursued acting, whole-heartedly and failed. I didn’t want him to think I was a failure so I just brushed it off every time he asked me.

I feel horrible, in my heart also. Before we broke up, we did chat a little about us not clicking. Ray asked me, ‘I need you to tell me why you want me." And I froze. I just sat there like a dumbass, a deer in headlights. At the time, there was no possible way in my mind I could tell him I think I love you. But I should have. Even if it didn’t make a difference in the end, why was I afraid to tell him I love him? It was so much easier to sit there, him saying things like, "maybe you just don’t have the vocabulary to express your feelings". Was that what he was wanting? Was that his all or nothing moment, waiting for me to say I love you? I dont know why its so painful to write this now, Im in tears.

Or maybe he was asking me because he was torn between his feelings for me and his feelings that were developing for Alex. Was it a test?

My heart still wants Ray. I don’t understand why either. I should be so upset with him. I don’t need him to come crawling back to me, crying, begging for forgiveness. I want him just call and talk to me. I want to see him, face to face, and tell him I love you. There is no starting over with a fresh start, there is only growing from where we left off. I want him to forgive me for letting him go so easily.

I want you back Ray,

The Writer