Goodbye Letter

Im writing a goodbye letter to Ray as my entry today. Since Ray doesn’t want to be with me, I don’t see a reason why I should let myself want him. Its not fair.

Dearest Ray,

I still cannot believe you quit so easily on us. Did I mean so little to you that no effort or hope could be put into our relationship? I know I froze when you asked me reasons why I liked you. And I feel I left too easily. I should have but up a fight, not let go. If i had realized I love you, then, be most certain, i would have tried harder. It wasn’t until you were gone, i realized how much I need you for support. I love you Ray.

Our first date, starting at noon, just for lunch, ended up lasting till the next morning at 11am. We have a spark between us, and we prove it often. Many times we have kissed and our lips shock eachother. So, we hit a bump for a while, I know its still there. Relationships get bumps and bruises, but that doesn’t mean we need to end it. We could have worked it out, and, besides what you say, I know you know we could have. We still can.

Im so upset that you were not around for me when Jay died. You have no idea the pain I was feeling, my emotions conflicting with eachother, and nothing was right. He was a pretty cool guy, you would have been lucky to meet him. He loved his nephews and nieces very much. A very good painter as well! Every birthday we celebrated, he said he was turning 31 🙂 Even though he was in his 40’s. His dancing was fun to watch. He danced alone but was very good at it.

Did you start to fall for Alex while you were dating me? Because that is what I believe. How cruel and wicked. I would never have continued to hang out with a guy if I started developing feelings for him because you are more important to me. How could you just let me disappear out of your thoughts like that? I was planning a future with you. And what about school. You promised to help me out with it if I needed help. I signed up and look… you left. I don’t want any money, that isn’t the point. The point is you didn’t keep your promise of being around to help me.

It makes me feel ill that you started dating Alex so fast. "its been a month" you said. A MONTH! 🙁 Do you not think about me at all? Do you feel anything when i think about you? Because I do think about you, often. I cant even look at another guy and think they are attractive and yet you can start dating another guy so quickly. My heart still beats for you and my soul is trying to reach out to yours but its not near.

I wish there was something I could say or do, to help you understand. I don’t think you are over me and I know I am not over you.

I hope you contact me on my birthday. Not a facebook  message or a text, but call me. Ask me to meet you someplace, even if for 15 minutes, to give me the present you got me. My birthday wish, if wishes were real, would for you to give us a second chance. I may not have changed over night, but I am changing, and I want you to be around. We could live such an amazing life together, you and I.

But, you are beating any feelings you have for me because you dont want to feel. I think you are scared to love me. What a sad case that would be. My heart is yours for the taking. Just ask. Sure, there will be a lot of emotions to work out, but it will be worth it. You are worth it.

I wont be a victim and I refuse to continue holding my breath. If you want me, tell me. Show me. I am around. But, i wont be a sap and keep contacting you all the time, hoping you will finally see my reasoning. How i wish i could cut out my heart and leave it behind. Maybe in the future we will be together, but not today. You’re not ready. The big question is, when you are ready will I be around?  Ponder what you really want. Choose me. Love me! You said you think you love me, but you have a horrible way of showing it.

Goodbye, Ray, I miss you terribly,

The Writer