Levitation, People, Cramps, and Rain

When was the last time i actually wrote an entry? I don’t remember…so..i’ll just write about what’s on my mind. XD

We had a long weekend…we got out thursday at 12:30 and yeah…when i got home i had to drive to wal-mart. It was just me and my dad, which rocked, because whenever we go as a whole family we usually end up fighting, whether it be minor or major. With just me and my dad it went nice and smooth..although he had a few jabs at me…XD And i was like a week late and OF COURSE i started at wal mart and i didn’t have anything..oh…well..so i had to go ask my dad for a quarter..he was like..for what…o.o..i told..because i needed it! XD Yeah…and i was complaining about cramps to him and he was like..TMI..i was like..i tell Jacob..and he said that jacob might care about those things…x_x XD

But yeah…which reminds me…XD How the hell could i forget, lol…my stomach (is stomach spelled with an E on the end?) has been hurting worse than EVER…my mom says i might have ovarian sists…(sp)…i’m going to go to some stupid female doctor sometime…i was supposed to go 2 years ago because they were pretty bad then..and have been since, but this past time was the worst EVER…and yeah..i’m just not looking forward to putting "everything" up on display..you know what i’m saying? But…i’m afraid she might see some of my scars….because, while they are faded, they aren’t totally gone..i might put a bandaid over the worst one or something..idk…they are old. I haven’t made a significant new one in almost a year, so..yeah…i’m proud of myself.

Last night i had a scary dream….kind of….it was me, my mom, and my sister in our house…(our house is a trailer)…and it was raining…i mean..POURING!! And my mom wouldn’t listen to me..it went on for hours…and the power finally went out..and there was lightning and thunder…and it was terrifying…our neighbors finally left..and they told us to but my mom wouldn’t listen..and i kept telling her..and i finally packed a bag of clothes and stuff and…it was really scary, like, i almost cried when i was thinking about it earlier…because all i had was a flashlight and i kept seeing double of everything i shined it on…like..i have this one shirt, and it’s like..a bleeding face and says Apocalyptica..and i kept seeing it…several times..i couldn’t clear my vision..idk..it did that a lot for everything i was trying to pack..and we had christmas lights up for some reason???…on the porch…and the rain had reached the almost 3rd step…(we only have 3…) And I was like…mom, WE NEED TO GET OUT NOW…she was just standing on the porch glaring off into space…i finally go out to the car with the dogs and my sister…who is trying to get my mom to come..then i think she gets in the car too..which is amazing, because the rain is like…really high now…and it’s super scary…then i think i either wake up or my dream switches…i do that a lot. I hardly ever finish a dream…. :l

Well…One of Jacob’s best friends is moving to Nevada…he’s a total idiot if you ask me…so..he’s kind of fat…i mean..250 lbs…or so..and he has issues…he cuts sometimes…and smokes..and he wants to go to a mental ward..HOW STUPID IS THAT!? Me and Jacob have both tried to tell him that it’s shit there..but no…he won’t listen..so yeah, he’s going with his total hickass cousins to Nevada…maybe he’ll get straightened out there..who knows? Jacob is upset though..he doesnt’ have that many friends according to him, i think he has a lot..but i guess it’s all in how you determine what a friend actually is…but yeah..and Jacob got World of Warcraft cancelled….so, he is uber bored and upset about that…it was one of the few things that actually made him happy. And the suckiest thing about it is his dad kept his but won’t pay for Jacob’s anymore. How freaked up is that?

So..I was watching Criss Angel earlier…i know some of his stuff is staged, but i still think a lot is real…and anyway, he was levitating people and he was in a public place with a bunch of people and he made like 10 of them float/defy gravity….everyone was hypnotized…i think i could hypnotize people if they wanted to be…it’s not really that hard, it’s just powerful suggestion…if people want to be, they will be…no matter who is doing it..but the trick to making them do something is to find a person by their body language and stuff that is deeper in that state of their mind than the others…and then you can manipulate them anyway you want. 😀 Anyway..i almost levitated today…i think i didn’t because my  mind kept going off track..and my feet were cold..i was supposed to relax my body totally but i couldn’t..i was supposed to concentrate, but i didn’t fully because i kept doubting it i guess..i mean, i totally believe in it…but i have doubts because people around me…and i was afraid someone was going to walk in on me and call me a freak….i don’t know, i’m weird..lol XD But yeah..i’m going to levitate sometime…watch and see. 🙂

This morning i woke up at around 9…i stayed in bed thinking for almost an hour…no one was up so i figured i’d try to go back to sleep..and i just started thinking..a lot…xD I figured out why we die….and what happens when we die. We die because we are needed in another world..see…every person we know…their "soul" or whatever you want to call it…it’s been here since the beginning, transforming and dying then being reborn kind of…but not really, it just changes states and stuff…for example, in my beliefs i think when we die we go to another world (for lack of a better description) and we get "reborn" but i’m not sure if we know who we were or not….probably not really…but kind of..and anyway, like…say my big brother who died over a year ago…say he was going to be my father..or grandfather in the next "world"…well, when he has his kids..if i am one of them, right when they are born there, i die here…simple really.

I was thinking about how i could find Jacob in the next world…if we even go to the same "world"…i’m hoping we do. And I thought about how we could like..cut half of a heart in our arms sometime…half in my left and half in his right..then when we are born we will have almost identical birthmarks but on opposite arms…and when we find each other we will know it because we will be able to create a heart…and then we might even start to remember all we went through in our past life/lives…yep. 😀

Jacob has different names for his moods…or feelings…they are willow (completely happy/blissful/loved/loving), secondside (normal happy/not really sad), vortex (depressed/angry/on the verge of losing it), and dementia (evil…when he is in this one it is scary because he is scared…) It’s so hard to see him scared….or more aptly, hear him scared…hear him have a gun to his head…crying…fed up with the world…it’s hard…talking someone out of that…but i’ve done it several times…with people…and i really love Jacob…he is…my heart…lol, i know…loser teenage love..it’s not real..etc, well…i know it is. Anyway, the point was, he drew dementia the other day at school…he was scary looking…he only drew the head and his staff..they apparently all have staffs…and t

his guy was like…lizard like..his teeth were super sharp and he had a huge smile..and his eyes…idk…..it was one of the creepiest things i’ve ever seen…there was something really wrong with him that day…everyone keeps stabbing him in the back…he doesn’t deserve it…i don’t see why they do it…yeah, he’s a little weird…but he’s nice and he cares….people need to learn to give people chances.

And why do people make fun of people and talk about people like they aren’t even human? Like..they are some sub species…deserving of less love than a tiny stepped on bug!! I mean..these kids from my school were talking about me and Jacob…some of them have never even talked to either of us…and some used to be my best friends!! I know they were talking about us through Tarra..cuz she hangs out with them….which i don’t blame her..she’s just trying to find herself..and hanging with the popular kids is the "right thing" right? Well..i don’t hang with anyone really..i just talk to people from every "clique"…lol, i’m a weirdo.

Jacob was talking about never having a "group" to hang with…i told him i don’t have a group..i just hang/talk with whoever i want…he still doesn’t believe me, he thinks i have a bunch of friends..well, i can’t help it if people like me…or if they don’t…i mean, there are plenty that don’t. He just thinks he doens’t have any friends..i’m like..what am i? He said i am his girlfriend and i don’t count…lol, i was like…what was i before i was your girlfriend? Duh…? XD

*sigh* i’m kind of looking forward to finding out what the next world is like…hopefully i’ll have done good enough here to move onto something a little better at least…people….people…people…i hate that word!! It describes one of the worst "races" ever….we lie, we cheat, we hurt, we pray for forgiveness, we are such hypocrites, and we do it all to each other..to our OWN kind…what does that say about people? What does it say when you can do the same thing to a person as you would a dog or a bug or a piece of meat that you are going to devour for your dinner? It’s ridiculous…maybe next go ’round we’ll get to be something more trustworthy, more caring, more real..? I don’t know..maybe those words or even those concepts won’t exist then…..but right now, that’s what i’m hoping for.

So, one of my friends apparently cheated on his girlfriend. Funny thing is when i did something of equal or less caliber he got all…rawr for it….i mean, at least i told him about it. I told him not to tell his girlfriend. He feels really guilty about it..and i hope he doesn’t tell her..because it wouldn’t be good..and the chances of her getting told by someone else are slim since she goes to a different school and stuff…but i don’t want her to feel that pain..it’s not worth it…he should just live with it because ignorance is bliss in a way…for her anyway. He didn’t mean it though…some girl led him on…

God I hate this fake existence!! Talking to these people everyday….like, i walk by them in the hallway and i say hey to them, hug them…even say i love you to some of them..and they do all this stuff…i mean, i know we all do stuff..but why do we pretend..pretend it doesn’t happen…pretending doesn’t do any good…it just keeps our pathetic little ignorant minds happy…what’s the use??? I mean we are all just going to end up finding out about everything sooner or later…hmph…makes me think of that lady from Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, Dolores Umbridge…god…she wanted her world to be PERFECT..she ignored the signs..the fact…that evil WAS in her world…and look at what she got for it…lol 😛

Ugh..i don’t know…i’m sorry for such a long entry, i doubt anyone will actually read it..but i needed to get some things off my chest…and my mind..XD I was like..thinking about all of this at the same time..i feel so much better. 😀 Thank you opendiary. 🙂