Struggling

So far, I have a 4.0 in my Master’s program. This might be the class that breaks me.  I am also stretched too thin and over-committed and everything is suffering. If I can just finish some things, I can get some things off of my plate and that will fix the problem at least in part.

As a result, my mental health is kind of going to hell a bit. My executive functioning is also failing–thank the gods for chemical executive functioning providing some support there or this would be really really really bad.

I have no idea what this professor is really looking for, there are no comments on what I’ve submitted. So I’m trying but without feedback, I get a little lost. Yes, I have somewhat brown-nosed my way through classes. Checking off the checklist of what a prof. is looking for combined with telling them what they want to hear is the strategy I use to do well academically.  And then there’s the content–ugh.  That’s hard too and part of it is the executive functioning, mental health, and overwhelm downward spiral I’m trying to overcome at the moment, or rather ignore and hope it goes away.

Work, I think, is kind of suffering a bit too.  I have to somehow get on top of all of this before everything crashes and burns around me. And Oh MY GOD, could I use a day off. I have no days off because when I’m not working, I have to work on classes I’m taking.  Also, my housekeeper has had health problems and just had a major surgery. So guess what else is entirely on my plate that is falling to bits and I can’t handle? Yeah, all domestic stuff.

I’m trying to do some reading so I can complete the big assignment due Monday. I have a document with the requirements of the assignment. I’ve read it many times. I can’t remember what the hell I’m reading to find out.

Also, some of the things this professor is saying and reading materials and stuff are kind of not exactly laudatory of neurodivergent folk and they keep using out-dated and in fact, harmful terminology. As a very neurodivergent person, consider me triggered as all hell. And I’m currently struggling too much to just ignore it, brown nose through it, get my grade and move on.  This really sucks.

And I am starting to think that my bosses don’t actually like me or think me as competent as I thought they did. And I need to stop focusing on my lack of social life when I should be sleeping, so yeah, sleep has also gone out the window.  And the depression monster keeps gnawing at me mostly at night. UGH!

OK, OK, I’ve vented. Now back to work. I have to get stuff done, even if I suck at it. Then I will feel better, and then I will be able to do things that suck less.  I’m so sad about the GPA that actually hasn’t dropped at all yet.d

Addendum: My grade keeps dropping in that class. The only graded assignment has a 100%.  WTF! I’m assuming I bombed the other two partly because I didn’t have a clear understanding of expectations. Also because the professor is pedantic in ways previous professors have not been so I can adjust going forward in some respects, but what else is expected that I have no knowledge of.  In the forum, the professor responds to other students but not to me, so OK, not a preferred student but no feedback means I have to just take stabs in the dark and see what works.  Did you know that in a master’s program, anything lower than a B is failing? I’m close to failing this class. My A keeps getting lower and lower–do you realize how obnoxious that is?!  I am going to have to retake this class and pay the thousands of dollars for this class again, and I don’t even know if I’ll be able to take it with a different professor. How do I make this person not hate me? I think this professor hates me.