Sick…and tired.

its been a while…

everything is getting on top of me. how shall i some up the last few months…worst in my life or just some of the worst in my life? To kick things off my grandmother died. I loved her very much and can’t even think about her without crying. She was old 89 (six weeks away from her 90th) but even still I wasn’t expecting it. I know she had a good long relatively easy life with a loving husband and children/grandchildren who loved her but that doesn’t help. I know she’s probably been re-united with my granddad and her family and stuff but that doesn’t help either, I want her here with me!

Because of the funeral etc I missed 2 of my exams in college which I have to sit in the summer instead. I hate college. I want to be a primary school teacher but didn’t get into the college I needed to get into so I’m going the back route. The course I’m doing now doesn’t interest me in the slightest and even tho I know I need good grades to get into the course I want to do (or at least I think I want to do it) thats still not motivating me! I have three months left but I would rather just stay in bed and sleep…for three whole months, wake up at the end of it n say "oh I failed, oh well I’ll just go get a job somewhere".

I’m so depressed.

Carl was texting his ex again. He hasn’t seen her since they broke up (2 years before we got together so thats 5.5 years ago!) she keeps asking him to meet up so obviously she still feels something. he thinks she’s just being friendly and its a case of "oh we should catch up" type of thing…NO its a case of "oh we should meet up some day when i’m looking good and I can flirt all day with you and steal you away from your girlfriend". boys are fools. When I found out he was texting her i felt so betrayed. He’d been texting her on and off for a year and a half (as far as I know) and it was all done behind my back. we had an argument about it, I cried A LOT and we moved passed it…kind of. I told him he could text her (because I don’t like telling him what to do, as much as it kills me!), I told him I didn’t mind once I knew about it so I didn’t feel like he was going behind my back. Big mistake. He continued to text her behind my back because he "knew it would upset me" SO WHY THE F**K DID YOU KEEP DOING IT??? so this time I spelled it out to him: Stop texting her, I don’t want you texting her anymore, it makes me feel inadequate and unimportant, it makes me feel like you care more about keeping her friendship than you do about me, how am I supposed to trust you when you promised you wouldn’t go behind my back again and then you did? what am I supposed to think? how am I supposed to believe you when you promise you’ve never met up with her and that you love me? If you break small promises how do I know your not breaking big ones? (if i was watching this in a film or reading it somewhere else I would be like BREAK UP WITH HIM STOP BEING SO STUPID!) he said its not a big deal (to him) and doesn’t understand why it is to me. he said he loves me and only me and he wont do it again. thats it, those 3 things – he loves me, not a big deal and won’t do it again – is what he said never once did he say sorry, never once did he try to make it up to me, he didn’t apologise for breaking my heart all over again!

once bitten, twice shy…he has one more chance.

as if that wasn’t enough i’ve put on weight, feel really bad about myself, am on tablets for my thyroid, my scar is itchy as hell 24/7, i’ve to go for a mammogram, get a smear test cos my periods are crazy, i’ve kidney problems and i’m anemic…great.

bye for now

-Aoife