Getting a Grip

Here I am again, fighting depression. I know it’s never really gone away, but it’s got me by the throat again. Before we even got pregnant I knew that post partum was an issue I would have to face – it’s been 15 months since our beautiful baby was born and I’m in the throws.

When they say it’s darkest before dawn – I get it. I am on edge of the darkness, I can see the light ahead but first I have to navigate the canyon between here and there. It looks scary down there. I’m sure its full of lions, tigers and bears – OH MY. I’ve been in there before, feeling feelings and letting go and pushing forward.

What I hate about depression is the irrationality of it. My life is FANTASTIC right now. Sure we have money woes, who doesn’t. But God has never let us starve. We always find a way. When we decided to have this baby we agreed that I would quit my day job to stay home. Using this opportunity to build my hobby business into my full time business. Business is good, we just completely remodeled my studio space that I designed myself, it’s amazing. This baby is happiest baby ever. The older kids are on summer break and we are having fun every day. My husband has a good job that despite this pandemic craziness, he got a raise, has had overtime and is providing for our family. The garden is growing, the sun is shining and life is good. So why the depression? Why is this darkness hanging around me?

INTJ me – rationalize this. Get. A . Grip. Just BE happy! look around you- get off the damn couch and look around at this life. It is exactly what you designed. Literally – this house is your design. Your business is creative and literally, your design. This is your dream – in reality. And it’s not over – there is still more to design, more to build more to grow.

Okay, okay. Be nice to myself. You know that this is a process. You know that the anxiety monster doesn’t go away, so stop expecting her to. She is a part of you, and you’ve been at peace with her before. How was I there before – ah yes – A LIST!

Journal – here we are. The first page. journaling helps get the thoughts out of my head an into a secure location.
Prayer – I haven’t been consistently coming to God. schedule a prayer time in the planner. Do it right now! – – – – okay done.
Create – get excited. The same old stuff can be mundane, and even tho I love it I need to shake it up a little. Let’s find a new pattern. I’ll do that this evening during my down time.
Sabbath – rest is important. Depression comes with exhaustion, don’t fight against it, work with it. Sabbath begins tonight at sundown. lean into it. This week, really take the time to be quiet. connect with God.

Okay canyon, you dark and creepy thicket of the unknown. I’m coming for you. I’m coming with God, so clear the way because this time, I’m not turning back.