Daily Anxiety

I spent the entire day thinking I was having a heart attack.

I am someone who suffers from a variety of mental health issues. My journey goes something like this:

I began becoming afraid of things I was previously not afraid of; the biggest example being flying. I was prescribed some medication to help me fly, but it didn’t work. I also have some medical issues like PCOS and weight issues. I went to my OBGYN and got on birth control to regulate my periods. Thats when my entire life changed forever- that was four years ago.

I went from a fairly normal person to a ghost of my former self. I became obsessed with my heart beat, constantly convinced it had stopped, wasn’t beating right, or I was having a heart attack. Fast forward almost 4 years to the day, I am still suffering. Now I have multiple diagnoses of generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, major depressive episodes, panic disorder, agoraphobia and probably a couple of others.

I am currently as medicated as a human can be: Lexapro, beta blockers, lorazepam, propranolol, buspirone, birth control and these are consistently changed and adapted given my state at any given time.

I’m 28, married, own a house, have a dog and two cats, drive a nice car, have a full-time remote job where I make a good wage, as does my husband. But today, like every other day, I present new symptoms, repeat old ones, get angry, cry and spend entire days obsessed over having some sort of medical episode.

I fantasize about getting off all my medications and like a snake shedding its old skin, magically becoming a unmediated miracle by becoming my former self. My self that could go to the gym and eat healthy because I had an ounce of motivation. The self that could go to the grocery store or even stand up for an extended period of time without feeling like I need to sit down under a blanket to be safe.

I am exhausted.
1/25/22