Married life and chronic pain.
It’s been more than a year since I last updated, and I’ve plenty to offer you my dear old friend. I’ve gotten married, three days from today will mark my First year anniversary with Sam! Wookie, my lovely little raven kitten is grown and well taken care of, her fur is so silky and smooth I can’t help but snuggle her and shower her little pudgy face with kisses.
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It saddens me to even bring this subject up and it stings every time I think of everything I will be missing out on in life. About a year ago I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and my life has in a way come to a screeching halt.
Sam and I had just started to go to the gym in an effort to lose some weight, and every time I jumped on the treadmill like clockwork my hip would start aching horribly. I always assumed it was something to do with my weight or the one hip is slightly larger than the other… but I was wrong. My wrists had been killing me too… as in hurting so much I had resorted to keeping it constantly wrapped up in a wrist guard and taking low dose Ibuprofen… After the pain refused to leave we finally set up a doctors appointment and headed in to see I there was maybe something wrong with it… I didn’t think it would be more than maybe carpel tunnel , everyone had warned me about it so what else could it be. After xrays and a crazy amount of blood work (I had to go back multiple times so that they could check for different things) they discovered what it was that was wrong with me… Even the doctor was a bit surprised with the diagnostics, so surprised that he ordered the test again and I had to give up some blood for it. He was right. I had RA and my life would never be the same. I’d had such high hopes about our future. We had been talking about a backpacking trip through Switzerland and maybe even Australia… and then we wanted to visit China, Korea and Japan to visit the temples… but now I’m just stumped. Completely stumped. Its gotten so bad that five minutes of running around makes my hip hurt enough that I can’t move it and I Have to sit perfectly still and drink the high doses of pain killers that usually make me sleepy and funky.
I’m terrified. It’s a nightmare and this time it’s a living nightmare that I wont be able to rid myself of. There is no cure for RA and most people with RA are known to die young and have very painful lives. I’ve done research and I haven’t found much about Young people with RA… its usually people in a much older category that get RA… Which leaves me again with a hole in my stomach. I’m in this journey alone. Yes I have family and my wonderful Sam to help me through it… but they don’t understand. They don’t know that when I say “I’m in Pain!” I’m in very serious pain. I might not seem like anything is wrong with me but Its not a pain I can show. I feel my wrist burn and ache and I know its my joints screaming at me, telling me my own body is trying to kill me.
Its just too frustrating, a day that should have been filled with smiles and happiness isn’t exactly so. I’m in my room, in pain, alone and no one knows what I’m feeling.
Why aren’t there any support groups!?
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~Anti~
The Kirby Dance
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