Its one of my good days turned to shit…

I was having a pretty good day…. was in a good mood… minding my own damn business.  Id had a pretty good week too, nothing to bad, besides a call from Carlos that I answered… I know I shouldn’t off… because now I have tears in my eyes again…

Things were fine and peachy… and I hate this Depression crap! I hate it so much.  I could do with a month without tears.  I could do with just a few weeks… not asking for much you know…  It just hurts, deep inside, i can feel my heart beating desperately eager to hear from him and know that he cares… but that darker side of me wishes him so much harm.  It wishes for every horrible little thing in the world to happen to him all at once.  And although the positive side radiates at the thought that he cares, and it makes me want to scream for him and tell him Yes yes yes yes yes!! you fool YES I still care for you… somewhere deep inside.  That dark side of me drags me down and reminds me just how much I hate him.  How much he hurt me how much he didn’t care for me and how he wished me harm.  How he laughed in my face and how i could feel my poor heart break.  How I coud feel those dreadful feelings wash in and take hold of me once again and drown me in the sea of my depression.  

This depression, it holds me so firmly.  It wraps its cold fingers around my neck again and its so sadistic of me to think of something in this way.  But it really does.  I’m scared for myself.  There is days, when I am the happiest ever.  There could be nothing wrong with my life and I dont think of him or anyone else, i care for myself and no one else and i’m happy.  I’m so happy. and then… i’m down on the ground as low as can be…. I’m losing track of time again… losing memories… i can’t remeber what i’ve done minutes before, cant remember what I did a few days ago… cant remember much… that black cloud is back…. i guess its a coping mechanism my mind created to help me deal with the pain. 

Everyday I go to work, hit the gym for an hour with Marla, go to work, come home… jump on the computer for a few minutes.  go to bed… sleep and repeate.  Weekends are hazy… i dont remember doing anything, and i more than likely didn’t do anything… simply sat around and talked to friends.  Everyday I want that journal of mine more and more.  I literally do.  I want to literally rip it away from him…. He said he doesn’t know where it is… and I had to choke back tears when he said that.  i’m so scared for it.  I want it with me.  I want it with me when I’m gone.  My precious memories… although dark and scary and probably filled with dread are the only things that are still me.  They are the remains of my tattered past and I want them.  if there was ever a happy moment worth my time its in there.  and I dont have that with me…. I dont have that pleasure….

I’m a sick person…. I know that.  I’m a sick little girl… because no one thinks of me as a women… no matter how much I’ve grown or how much I change… its just never enough to anyone.  I’m not worthy.  I wish people would just understand that i dont want a boyfriend at the moment, and this also means I dont want a fuck buddy.  For fuck sake.  I DONT WANT ANY KIND OF PHYSICAL CONTACT!  I’ll gladly take a friend… god knows I need friends… I’m such a loner… besides Greg I have no one else to hang out with… Why on earth would anyone believe that they have a right to ask me straight out if I want to be their fuck buddy…. I know i’m not ugly… i’ve been told by many, might not believe it… but they keep telling me.  I’m not filthy… i’m not… any bad thing…. for the most part i’m a good girl… I might be slightly twisted… but when I love someone… I love them, with all there is to give.

I’ve stopped eating again.  I can’t… its getting horrible… feeling the fat pile on every day… feeling as if my clothes gets tighter every time I eat… at this very moment i feel so sick… its insane that a person could feel like this… that a person could be remotely the way I am at this very moment.  

so here I am… depressed and just so confused…

Diary, what am I to do?  Do I let my mind battle it out or do I just give in? 

~Anti~

 

The Kirby Dance:

 

<(^-^<) (>^-^)> <( ^-^ )>

Five Finger Death Punch
The Bleeding lyrics

I remember when all the games began
Remember every little lie and every last goodbye
The promises you broke, words you choked on
And I never walked away, it’s still a mystery to me

Well, I’m so empty, I’m better off without you
And you’re better off without me
Well, you’re so unclean, I’m better off without you
And you’re better off without me

The lying, the bleeding, the screaming
Was tearing me apart
The hatred, deceiving, the bleeding
It’s over

Paint the mirrors black to forget you
I still picture your face and the way you used to taste
Roses in a glass, dead and wilted
To you this all was nothing, everything to you is nothing

Well, you’re so filthy, I’m better off without you
And you’re better off without me
Well, I’m so ugly, you’re better off without me
I’m better off without

The lying, the bleeding, the screaming
Was tearing me apart
The hatred, the beatings, disaster
It’s over

As wicked as you are
You’re beautiful to me
You’re the darkest burning star
You’re my perfect disease

The lying, the bleeding, the screaming
Was tearing me apart
The hatred, the beatings, it’s over
Disaster

The lying, the bleeding, the screaming
Was tearing me apart
The hatred, the beatings, it’s over
Disaster

It’s over now