I got tired of waiting…

I’m sitting here… like a fool again. 

No I didn’t try to take my life again, No I didn’t take any drugs, and no… I’m not ok.

I took a choice for myself.  I moved away from the man that was causing me so much pain.  Funny that I cringe at that thought.  

SO I moved to Missery… I mean Missouri.  I’m trying for a better life, of course I told him he could come… I was too close to a melt down again… I could feel it, before I came… I felt as if my world was closing in on me again and that if I did not do something to save myself soon… I would undoubtfully fall in to a state of no return.  

My little black heart ached.  It ached so much…. without having the ability to spread its wings and fly, if not at least flutter, it was dying.  It was slowly rotting again, losing what little life it had accumulated over the years.  And all because it was trapped inside its golden cage…

Without warning, those panic attacks returned, even while I was at work.  I would go to the bathroom and hide in there for a while, hopping that the horrible chest pains and the panic and the ability to do nothing at all would fade or at least let me be.  every day things got harder, every day it was harder to put up with things, every day I became more agitated and i knew what would follow if I did not break away from the cycle.  

he would never understand… and i wasn’t about to ask him too… who could understand what goes inside my morbid thoughts?  Who could understand that every day I was battling for my own life.    Struggling to make my own demons leave me alone..

It took great strength to leave, to save myself as I saw it there.  It wouldn’t take much for him to blow again, it wouldn’t be long for the fear to sink in to me and for the panic to start and with that the idea that i could never be happy.

I thought of how close to danger i was, how close to the lions den I was playing, and how easy it would be to be sucked back to danger.  and when I ended up at my aunts I quickly moved out, not wanting to sit there to long, for I was a sitting duck you see… I went back home, not completely safe… but farther.  

When My father offered me a place, for me and him, i nearly jumped at the opportunity… but what was I thinking?  Things would never change, not if we didn’t leave… or if I didn’t leave at least.  How could I stay there?  

I packed two bags, bought a plane ticket and came far far away… and here I waited for him like I promised I would… but every day I get tired of waiting… Wondering if he will ever come… fearing that he will leave me…

Ofcourse he thinks I’m some sort of slut.  he thinks that Uphere I’m fucking around… but if he only knew how hard I’m working… how hard I’m trying to get to two jobs just so that when he came things would be settled for the both of us and so that I could be happy, so that the hole in my chest could be filled again and that my dying heart could flutter freely…

I wanted to make everything better…. to tell you the truth, i didn’t want to try and take my life again… as happy as I might have seemed on the outside… i was still suffering within… still trying harder to be better, struggling to make things better… not because I felt back, but because I loved him… Because I really loved him……..

~Anti~