{^**Have you no backbone?**^}

I dont know what it is with me lately.   I’ve been frustrated, not against anyone else but myself.  I suddenly feel these burst of anger toward my stupidity and I wish I could say it was for something I am doing now but its not.   It seems I’m pissed at my past self… and not a healthy pissed.

Lately I’ve been having nightmares, where Sam leaves me and I’m left to crumble back in to my past self, lost and confused, drowning in a sea of tears… literally.  That or I’m trapped in that house again, enclosed and forced to remain silent… the shushing faces looming over me cautiously silencing my every word as it tries to sound.  I think I’m angry, angry at the things I’ve been remembering, the past that I’ve been trying to pick at lately and all for curiosity, to know what would make me tick.  I must have uncovered something that wasn’t meant to be uncovered.  

I can’t recall specifics, or more of I don’t want to.  I want to just ignore it to put them back in to their little box and lock them away, but I’ve lost the key and the latch wont shut.  There is a part of me that is telling me I need to seek help, to speak to someone about this and tell them everything I feel, the hatred and what happened to me.  To tell it how it happened, and what happened.  I need someone that will let me cry, sob and finally let me sleep, I haven’t cried in so long it feels strange to be like this.  But they bubble you know.  Tears.  The worst of them all, the angry ones… the ones I can’t bottle up much longer.  At times I try to speak with Sam about, try to bring up the subject but then I choke… and its my fault that he wont listen, because I wont tell, and not to tell breaks me again.  

Its a crazy cycle I’ve landed myself in to.  Continuously repeating itself every other years, I can be fine for a while and then I crack and I start to fall back in hate with myself.  Becoming distant from those around me, unaccounted for.  That must be what I feel, unaccounted and lost.  

There is no denial that I am happy, or I should be.  My life is grand, I’ve got a new pet, and she is possibly the cutest thing possible, different and abandoned like myself, left to fend for herself and then brought home to us where we can care and mend her.  As for my love life, I couldn’t have asked for anything better, we’re getting married soon.  Soon I will rid myself of this last name, given the pleasure of ridding myself of this cursed last name and be given a break from hearing people call me by it.  Sick!  I’m so Sick of it. 

Denying that I’m not mad at my father would be a bland lie.  I am excruciatingly angry with him, but I shrug it off!  Even when the only thing I want to do is scream at him!  When I told him I was getting married he straight up said he more than likely wasn’t going to make it in… because of his wife… and his two new kids… and I’m just so fed up with him.  No one seems to care!  Or at least he doesn’t care!! I’m always pushed away! Its never enough what I do or how I act, I’ll always be the pathetic child everyone wanted to silence and lock up in a closet… the child they wish they could have snuffed when they had the chance… the troublemaker… the disgrace…. even if it was they that made me… even if it was they who groomed me and molded me in to what I am today… all for silence, and family value… for the better of the family…

Live silent, Hate inwardly, and be tame… you’ll never be good enough anyway. 

I wish I could just out him for the monster that he is… if only the fear wouldn’t cripple me…. if only..
~Anti~

The Kirby Dance:

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