>”>DrEaMs FrOm HeLl<"<

Its been a  year now.  Since we broke it off entirely, and we called it quits and darted away from each others grasp as quickly as we could.  Ok actually maybe a bit longer than a year.  I lose track of days so easily… But thats not the point.  On the day that Marks my sixth month anniversary with Sam my dreams chose to torment me. 

With warm fuzzies in my stomach of actually accomplishing a 6 month long relationship with not a single fight or argument with the man that I am with now I snuggled up in to my  bed after a long night and pulled the covers over my head and called it a day.  Hoping, like all other girls, for a nice warm dream filled with happy thoughts and rainbows.  

Well I got what I asked for.  At first my dream opened up in a beautiful setting.  Our home.  Or more of what would have been out home in my dream.  I was desperately cleaning, happy as can be, moving everything and anything to get all specks of dust and be ready for when he arrived.  So that he would hold me in his arms and press a kiss to my lips and possibly ravage me later on.  I dont know didnt get that far, but knowing my naive thoughts that might have been what I was wishing for.  

When he did arrive I was finishing up the final touches and rushed to greet him as I usually did.  Bouncy and happy and ready to serve his meal and press kisses to every single area of his body.  But while I rushed he passed by and patted my head giving off a small laugh and shaking his head as he went to the bedroom and started to gather some stuff.  Upset he said I had not cleaned well enough.  It wasn’t perfect.  It wasn’t right… and sad to hear this I bowed my head and nodded slowly not aware that he would head out the back door shortly with a "There’s a Magic club meeting" 

Now I knew what a Magic meeting was.  And it had nothing to do with the card game or anything of that sort, it simply meant that he and his posy of friends would run off to some shack and snort enough cocaine to pass over the century.  Crying I chased after him, rushing out the back door where one of his friends was already waiting for him to get going.  Gasping for breaths and in a desperate attempt to stop him I wrapped my arms tightly around him, sobbing worse than a child as I help on and cried my heart out.  Begging for him to stay and not leave me.   Begging that he save his life and think, to think of what would be lost if he left and never came up.

But, like the man that he was, and seems to have been for the majority of my time with him.  He took hold of my shoulders, pried me away from him stared right in to my eyes until i had to turn in shame and shook me roughly once.  Sternly telling me to stop.  To just Stop and cut my crap out.  I suspect this is where I started to cry in real life.  So sobbing, and trembling I slumped to the stairs where he dropped me as he walked away to join his friend who high fived him and shook his head at my pathetic attempts to keep him. While I sniffled there looking after him he turned to look at me.  That one pained look of his, that stomach turning look that told me Id done wrong and he was unhappy with me.  Oh how I had tried to keep that look from crossing his face.  Shamed I turned away, sniffling and collecting my self as I looked upon a red ant hill in the background.  Furiously working in and out of their home.

And then… just as my attention had turned from him, and I was struggling to stop the sobs and tears from flowing he came from behind.  Wrapping his arms tightly around me, pressing kisses to the back of my head as he murmured words of love and praise.  Once more I sobbed hysterically, turned to wrap my arms around him… and awoke.

I was sobbing.  Cleaning tears from my cheeks and that terrible pang was in my chest.  That sense of loss and desperation.

I was a sweaty sobbing mess.  Cleaning tears and trembling from heart ache.  And I was alone.  Sitting on my bed, with not a soul around me.  Guilt ridden… confused, and most of all angry.  Angry that I could let a dream rattle my foundation so harshly…

Its been so long, I shouldn’t have these dreams anymore. It makes no sense to have them. I know my heart thinks it knows what it wants, but my soul and mind think otherwise.  We’re not meant for each other, at least not anymore, and more than likely never again.  

Why does love have to be this way?  No matter how much I want to say its gone, that every ounce of love for him is gone he still haunts me.  He still clings to that one memory, to that one strand, to that one piece of me…

~Anti~

The Kirby Dance:

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