Dear Die-Ary Things get hard…

When your bestie and your boyfriend hate each other… What are you suppose to do?  I mean… I want to be with both of them… Cause I care for both of them. 

Heather is like a sister to me.  I love her with all my heart and I care for her and If anything were to happen to her… I swear my world could collapse!  She has been with me throught thick and thin, she helped me when I neede helping and hell… We did all our crazy fun things together!!! When we are together we can be loud and just fun! scream our hearts out if we want too… and if she left me… I swear… there would be no one to replace her.  I care this much for her.

Carlos is the one person I like to be with… The one person I love to feel close when he hugs me.  When we go out together we can have real moments, moments when things are just in a strange way butterflys in your stomach thing…  you know… he’s like that one person… that makes me feel whole… and special and just complete… and if he left me… my heart would ONCE AGAIN be shattered and there would be a good amount of tears to shed and it would simply be too hard for me to let go… I don’t know what I would do….

 

There is a few things going on at the moment that I don’t really agree with… but theres not much I can do… My poor little sister and brother… god… What ever shall I do for them… I feel so helpless… I feel so crushed… I see them in pain and struggling and well… I want to help them… cause I love them so much… My little sister was so scared when I went to pick her up after Rosie had the shit beaten out of her by her "Boy friend".  The jack ass who was kicked out of the Army with "Other than Honorable".  My heart sank when I saw her little face, tear stain and horror struck… I wanted so bad to go in to the house… to look for Rosie… to make sure she was ok and not all that hurt… but I didn’t… I stayed on the car… took my little sisters hand and drove away.  God I was pissed….  but… as I drove away… that little part of me that wants to care even more for my family than I do for myself cracked.  It shattered a bit… and I shook my head and drove away. 

 

What could I do?  I seriously think Rosie likes it when they hit her… cause I mean… why else would she have kicked me out after I tried to defend her… why else would she have him back in the house today after he hit her for the second time…

 

I sit here now… and wonder how my little sister is doing in Mexico… poor child… she worries me so much…. Because… in an odd way… she resembles me… its so scary… She does what I used to do all those years ago… She is always alone… she sleeps all day… she draws all day… and its not happy artwork… its negative… and dark… and spooky… She hardly speaks, she wont eat… what should I do… She’s my little sister… she’s like my little girl… I raiced her… I cared for her… I taught her lots of things… and hell I listened to her… and now I don’t know exactly what to do… I see the way she is… and I panic!! I feel my heart race and I’m so scared that something has happened to her… that someone has done something to her… god.. .I hate those thoughts….

 

Erick on the other hand… he’s paying the house bills while Rosie goes out to the Beach and parties and drinks and spends all her money on Alcohol and drugs.  He’s only 16… and she’s still abusing of this… he gives her 300 a month and pays the light and cable bill… plus buys food for himself… More than half of the time he is on his own… since Rosie isn’t home… and Cynthia went to Mexico.  Narciso is a dick… making his Son work labor in his company… I mean… he’s wealthy… why the hell can’t he just have him do what he does?  All that Narciso does is sit in his truck drink soda and eat tacos while screaming at his workers.

Blah… dicks… all of them I tell you…Sometimes I think of just wandering off and vanishing…. but  I want to stay… I want to be close to the ones that I love… but its too hard… Its way to hard… Cause They keep fighting… and they keep pushing me away… and they just don’t see just how much pressure they are putting on me again.  I want to crack and I want to tell them.  "Go Away!!!" but I can’t… and I wont… because thats who I am… I am the one person that likes to please… the one girl that will bite at her own lip… the one that will somehow manage to keep loving both her boyfriend and best friend at the same time… even though they hate each other….

 

 

On a different note… I think I’m going to find my older brother… I don’t know much about him… I know he was born either on 1984 or 85, he lives in Florida… and his mother went crazy… she used to treat him horribly though… and My dad never acknoledged him as his son… so… if any of you know of a guy thats something like this… Let me know or something… I want to find Him… Cause… I feel like I need to…

 

 

~Anti~

 

The Kirby Dance:

 

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